Beggars and Choosers

Showtime (ended 2001)


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Episode Guide

    • The Ethel Merman Story
      The Ethel Merman Story
      Season 1 - Episode 5
      Lori thinks that Nicky Krasnakov had a rival bumped off for threatening her, but she still can't resist the lure of potential big ratings and decides to sign the Russian mobster to a contract for miniseries rights to his life story. Rob is having a hard time dealing with Yolanda's Tourette's Syndrome-induced cursing on the set of Puerto Vallarta. He's also found out that the transvestite hooker that sent E.L. into a coma has surfaced and he sends Malcolm to take care of it. Malcolm finds out that Larry/Lola has found out about the Ethel Merman movie project and wants to audition for the lead role. Yolanda wants to try out for the same role as well, not to mention Bea Arthur, who brought the project to LGT's attention in the first place. Rob takes a meeting with his daughter, Audrey, who's been sent by her boyfriend Parker Meridien to rehash proposals that Rob has already rejected. Rob gets a call from his wife, Cecile, informing him that her body temperature is now perfect for conceiving a baby, but when he gets home to make love with her, he is interrupted on several fronts. The latest Mountainmen script from Kendall Gifford is thrown on Rob's doorstep from a passing car. Network standards and practices execs deem the script inflammatory and unfilmable. When FBI agents show up and ransack Rob's home trying to find clues as to Kendall's whereabouts, Rob gets angry and calls L.L. to tell her he's shutting down production of The Mountainmen.moreless
    • Once More Unto the Breach
      Once More Unto the Breach
      Season 1 - Episode 3
      When he gets to work in the morning, Rob and his staff scramble to create scripts for The Mountainmen, while detectives snoop around LGT, investigating the disappearance of Kendall Gifford. Rob and his staff try to untangle the sticky web created by Sandra Cassandra's sexual harassment lawsuit against Casting VP Malcolm Laffley and LGT, and Parker Meridian's demand for a top-dollar renegotiation. Meanwhile, Development VP Lori Volpone proposes a miniseries on the life of Nikolai 'the Knife' Krasnakov, the son of a Russian mob boss--a risk to be sure, but a possible ratings booster, nonetheless. As if the pressure on Rob is not enough, his wife Cecile adds to it when she announces that she wants to have another baby, even though they are both past 40. While shooting is continuously interrupted by Yolanda's Tourette's Syndrome on the set of Puerto Vallarta, Lori is off with super agent Brad Advail, negotiating a story-rights deal with the Russian gangster. After going head to head with E.L.'s trophy wife, Lydia Luddin, Rob receives the next Mountainmen script, anonymously delivered by the missing Kendall Gifford. Sure, the script is inflammatory, advocating tax revolution, but it is still more interesting than the rehashed, predictable material provided by the stand-in scribes, and Rob decides to run with it, because the ratings, after all, can only go up. The relentless detectives are not considering scripts or ratings though, and call the FBI in for help. When she returns, Lori's answering machine yields a haunting, cryptic message to cease and desist when it comes to the story of the Knife. But Rob is doing much better at home, where, after secretly flushing Cecile's birth control pills down the toilet, he is working on giving her the baby she wants.moreless
    • The Mountainmen (1)
      The Mountainmen (1)
      Season 1 - Episode 1
    • Shakedown in Puerto Vallarta
      Shakedown in Puerto Vallarta
      Season 1 - Episode 13
    • The Hat Trick
      The Hat Trick
      Season 1 - Episode 4
      Rob & Cecile continue to discuss the notion of having another baby. Honey Yang, the producer of LGT's tabloid news series, has heard that E.L. was with a hooker the night of he fell into a coma and is digging for more dirt. Rob brushes off the rumor, but later corners Malcolm for more details. Malcolm reveals that the hooker was actually his friend Larry, a transvestite who goes by the drag name Lola. The LAPD and FBI continue to believe that Rob engineered Kendall Gifford's disappearance to gain bigger ratings for The Mountainmen. A Gloria Allred-like lawyer takes on Sandra Cassandra's sexual harassment case against Malcolm and LGT. In a meeting about settling or continuing to fight the charges, L.L. and Rob make a wager: if, when E.L. emerges from his coma, he decides to settle the case, Rob will resign, but if he decides to fight on, LGT will put their full legal muscle to fight the charges. Lori keeps pursuing the Nicky Krasnakov miniseries idea, making promises along the way that she knows she can't keep. Rob lunches with Bea Arthur, who pitches the idea of a TV movie about Ethel Merman, with herself in the lead role. Parker Meridien uses information he got from his girlfriend, Audrey (Rob's daughter), to make fun of Rob on his show Parker's Pals.moreless
    • The Long Goodbye
      The Long Goodbye
      Season 2 - Episode 20
    • Sex and Violence
      Sex and Violence
      Season 2 - Episode 3
    • The Wartime Consigliere
      The Wartime Consigliere
      Season 2 - Episode 10
    • Zero Tolerance
      Zero Tolerance
      Season 2 - Episode 9
    • Hello Dalai
      Hello Dalai
      Season 2 - Episode 8
    • The Leak
      The Leak
      Season 2 - Episode 7
    • An Asian in the Sun
      An Asian in the Sun
      Season 2 - Episode 6
    • The Naked Truth
      The Naked Truth
      Season 2 - Episode 5
    • Fifty Three Percent Solution
      Fifty Three Percent Solution
      Season 2 - Episode 2
    • Dog Day Afternoon
      Dog Day Afternoon
      Season 2 - Episode 4
    • Be Careful What You Wish For
      Be Careful What You Wish For
      Season 2 - Episode 11
    • We'll Always Have Burbank
      We'll Always Have Burbank
      Season 2 - Episode 18
    • Golf War Syndrome
      Golf War Syndrome
      Season 2 - Episode 17
    • Hitting the Bottle
      Hitting the Bottle
      Season 2 - Episode 16
    • Fathers & Sons
      Fathers & Sons
      Season 2 - Episode 15
    • Moles, Meatloaf & Myrna Loy
      Moles, Meatloaf & Myrna Loy
      Season 2 - Episode 14
    • The Woodhouse Conundrum
      The Woodhouse Conundrum
      Season 2 - Episode 13
    • Killer Sushi
      Killer Sushi
      Season 2 - Episode 12
    • PMS.COM
      Season 2 - Episode 1
    • The Cherry Orchard (aka The Cherry Orchard, pt. 2)
    • Is It Good or Bad for the Jews?
      Is It Good or Bad for the Jews?
      Season 1 - Episode 11
    • Touched by an Angel
      Touched by an Angel
      Season 1 - Episode 10
      Malcolm's talk show appearance causes a stir, but he plays it low key. Meanwhile, Rob's got his hands full with Faith Monroe, the sexy star of LGT's family show An Angel In The Family, who's apparently sleeping with her teenage costar, Adam Bartlett. Neither star denies the affair, so Rob tells them to cut it out or he's axing the show. Malcolm visits Wayne, hoping that his televised "outing" will make Wayne come back to him, but Wayne confesses he's started dating other people. News of the affair between Faith and Adam gets into the press, and Lori confesses to Brad Advail that she was the source of the leak.moreless
    • The Velvet Curtain
      The Velvet Curtain
      Season 1 - Episode 9
      Rob calls in sick to work so that he can enjoy a secret rendezvous with Cecile at a hotel, but gossipers spot them at the hotel and don't recognize Cecile, stories about Rob cheating on his wife with another woman surface. Lori tries to resist Nicky's advances, but is unsuccessful. Nicky's goons grab Brad and tell him to stay away from Lori. LGT's PR rep wants Malcolm to go on a political talk show to discuss the "velvet curtain," or the discrimination that gays face in Hollywood. Malcolm begs Rob not to make him do it, and eventually confesses to Rob that he's gay. On the show, Malcolm is the most diplomatic of the talk show's guests, but when an arch-conservative Senator starts getting blatantly offensive in his comments, Malcolm outs himself on national television.moreless
    • Unsafe Sex
      Unsafe Sex
      Season 1 - Episode 8
      Rob's son Carey befriends an actress online while pretending to be his father. The actress is Riley Weston, who comes to LGT to meet with Rob, who knows nothing about her. Before security can throw her out, Rob realizes what Carey has done and pretends that he knows Riley and has just forgotten a previously planned meeting with her. Sandra Cassandra is making the TV talk show rounds about her sexual harassment claim against Malcolm, and Malcolm pleads with Rob to let him go on the same shows and defend himself. But at the same time, L.L. is demanding that Rob settle Sandra's suit quietly and make it go away. L.L. also claims that she's going to have her comatose husband E.L. (the owner and head of LGT) declared insane so she can run the company herself. Lori agrees to have dinner with the dangerous mobster Nicky Krasnakov in the hopes of securing miniseries rights to his life story. But when they are almost gunned down after dinner by rival mobsters, Lori is so turned on by the danger that she takes Nicky home and makes love with him.moreless
    • Sex, Drugs & Videotape
      Sex, Drugs & Videotape
      Season 1 - Episode 7
      Lori persuades Nicky Krasnakov to choose a writer for his life story. When this turns out to be Eric Bogosian, writer of Nicky's favorite film, Sex, drugs and rock and roll, Lori makes the actor/writer an offer he can't refuse. Bogosian contemplates his predicament, and decides that he's flattered that Krasnakov would be willing to kill him for his talent. The Ethel Merman Story auditions continue in full gear at LGT, with Yolanda, Larry/Lola, and Bea Arthur belting out their renditions of There's no business like show business. Out of the blue, E.L. awakens from his coma with a solution to the sexual harassment suit against Malcolm and LGT. Summoning Malcolm to his hospital bedside, the LGT owner tells Malcolm to publicly claim he's a homosexual, ironically unaware that Malcolm truly is gay. In his post-coma state, E.L. also manages to arouse suspicion in his wife, L.L., when he repeatedly refers to her as Lola. At home, Rob and Cecile's sexual schedule is beginning to take its toll, as small disagreements erupt quickly into a fight. Audrey confronts Parker for using Rob and Cecile's real-life problems as fuel for his sitcom's plots.moreless
    • The Deal
      The Deal
      Season 1 - Episode 6
    • The Mountainmen (2)
      The Mountainmen (2)
      Season 1 - Episode 2
    • White Woman's Burden
      White Woman's Burden
      Season 1 - Episode 12
      Lori stops at nothing to get the rights to a Russian mobster's story.
    • Don't Try This at Home
      Don't Try This at Home
      Season 1 - Episode 14
      LGT is faced with another lawsuit when a child emulates violent behavior he saw on an episode of The Mountainmen. Mountainmen creator Kendall Gifford thinks that television is being scapegoated and convinces a reluctant Rob Malone to go on a talk show with him to defend the series, but Kendall gets upset on the air and instigates a chair-throwing brawl. Parker Meridien and his agent, Brad Advail, keep trying to extend contract renegotiations, but Rob cuts them short by offering them a deal and telling them they have 10 minutes to decide or they can walk. They agree, with the stipulation that Parker gets to star in the Nicky Krasnakov miniseries that Lori Volpone is developing. Lori's got her hands full with a badly-testing drama pilot called The Precinct. Lori wants to ditch the project, but the producers suggest recasting the lead role, and Casey Lennox recommends recovering drug addict Julius Henry for the part. Her efforts turn the show around and make Lori look ineffective. Rob and his wife Cecile contact a fertility doctor regarding their efforts to conceive.moreless
    • Disinformed Sources
      Disinformed Sources
      Season 1 - Episode 21
    • Fasten Your Seatbelts
      Fasten Your Seatbelts
      Season 1 - Episode 20
    • Death in Malibu
      Death in Malibu
      Season 1 - Episode 19
    • Russian Roulette
      Russian Roulette
      Season 1 - Episode 18
    • Faith, Hope & Chastity
      Faith, Hope & Chastity
      Season 1 - Episode 17
    • Always Leave 'Em Laughing
      Always Leave 'Em Laughing
      Season 1 - Episode 16
    • Star Whores
      Star Whores
      Season 1 - Episode 15
      Casey takes over when Lori is arrested for delinquent parking tickets.
    • From Russia with Love
      From Russia with Love
      Season 2 - Episode 19