Quotes Dr. Tom uses in this episode:
Being entirely honest with oneself is a worthwhile exercise. - Sigmund Freud (paraphrased)
A man has two reasons for doing anything - a good reason and the real reason. - J.P. Morgan
Erica: My parents, they go to bed really early. So, we can, uh … we can make popcorn and watch Interview with the Vampire.
Judith: UH, that's a book.
When Dr. Tom credits J. P. Morgan (1837-1913) with saying "A man has two reasons for doing anything - a good reason and the real reason", he's not entirely correct. Actually, like so many other things, the old financier-slash-robber baron stole that quote, in this case, from the English writer and philosopher, Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881) - who said, in a more reasonable and less sexist manner, "A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason."
The party takes place at Casa Loma, an historic castle in Toronto.
Erica: Have you ever had a feeling that's like an unwelcome guest? It invades your mind and no matter how hard you deny, misdirect or avoid it - you just can't make it go away. You tell yourself you can control it, but the truth is - it's never that easy. Deciding not to do something, no problem. But deciding not to feel something, whole other ball game.
Erica: So, Jude, she really wants to see this sci-fi flick. It's something about aliens bursting out of people. I mean, I guess it makes sense, given that she's, you know …
Ethan: Yeah, yeah, Erica …
Erica: The only sci-fi flick that's ever really done it for me is The Matrix, but, you know, it completely transcends the genre of … what's normally …
Ethan: Erica, Erica, you haven't stopped talking since we left the building. We're gonna be there in a minute and we still haven't discussed what happened.
Erica: Because I don't wanna discuss it. Don't you get that? I mean, Ethan, it's embarrassing. I said … what I said, and you don't feel the same way, and that's fine, but I can't … I can't just move on and … stop feeling, you know, what I feel.
(Erica's incessant whining about Katie is driving her pregnant friend crazy)
Judith: Oh, would you just stop it already!? You know, my-my back is killing me, and in three weeks I'm gonna suffer through the worst pain of my life just so I can push something the size of a football out of my vagina! (to embarrassed counter guy)Yeah, let me get a double combo with double butter, please.
Erica: And a diet Coke. (counter guy nods)
Judith: You know, today I just wanna, I-I wanna eat popcorn and … and watch aliens take over the planet and … just have fun with my friends before my life changes forever. Okay?
(seconds before noon, Erica's staring a hole in the wall clock)
Brent: Something going down at high noon?
Katie: Uh-oh, holding out for the perfect guy? It's risky. You could end up alone. My feeling is, everything is a compromise.
Erica: You sound like Julianne. It's the premise of this book that she's trying to do, The None. The point is, is that-that there really is no "The One".
Katie: Oh, my God, I should totally write it!
Erica: And you can pitch my life story as "the hook".
Katie (laughs): No, but seriously, it is kind of true. I mean, there is no "The One". No guy is perfect, so why be picky? Why not settle for what's in front of you?
Erica: Forget "Mr. Right", give "Mr. Right Here" a chance.
Katie: Nice one, very witty. Maybe you should write this book?
Julianne: Ooh, I have that-that bestselling, prize-winning, movie-dealing feeling. (Erica's reaction makes her hesitant) Y-you-you don't have that feeling?
Erica: I don't know that Katie Atkins is the right person for the book. I mean, "Trade 'Mr. Right' for 'Mr. Right Here'"? That's … I fed her that line during lunch. I mean, she-she's basically, she's writing my story. It's the story of my life.
Julianne: Look, I know this must be hard for you, staring down forty the way you are.
Erica: Excuse me?
Julianne: And you finally want to make something of your life, but you spent your 20's playing while Katie worked her ass off - and there's a cost, Erica. And for those who work, and are-are focused and talented, a reward. Junior editor, my final offer.
Erica: I will not edit a single word that woman writes.
Julianne: Wow. Is it me, or did you just commit career suicide? Fine, if not junior editor, then, how about file fetcher? All the manuscripts from last year, five minutes ago. Go.
Dr. Tom: Congratulations! Junior editor, wow.
Erica: I HATE HER! HATE! I can't believe that she is gonna write about me and get paid for it!
Dr. Tom: It was your idea.
Erica: I WAS JOKING!
Dr. Tom: "A man has two reasons for doing anything - a good reason and the real reason." J.P. Morgan. So what's really eating you my friend?
Erica: Katie - that self-involved, overpaid, anecdote-sucking vampire!
(stuck at home on Halloween night)
Barbara: You know what? Why don't we break open the Ouija board? (Erica gasps) You and Katie loved playing that when you were little.
Leo: Yeah, mom, when they were seven. Erica, what are you supposed to be?
Erica: Madonna. (sways as if dancing) Like a virgin?
Leo: Not likely to remain a virgin if she goes out like that tonight.
(Leo grabs Katie by her "cottontail")
Leo: Hi, little bunny.
Erica: Uh, Leo? Gross.
Leo: If loving my sister's friends is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
(Erica has caught Katie and Leo making out)
Erica: Leo, what-what're are you thinking? I mean, Katie? Come on!
Leo: Why, because she's your best friend?
Erica: No, because she's a nightmare.
Leo: Well, that explains why you've been inseparable since you were two.
Erica: Leo, she's-she's a taker, okay? She's a taker and a user.
Leo: Yeah, what the hell is your problem!? I mean, she has been your sidekick for a decade, could you at least give her a break for once?
Erica: My sidekick?
Leo: Well, she's always in your shadow. I mean, she practically is your shadow.
Erica: Oh, she is not!
Leo: Remember when you guys were little … and you used to play make-believe? You were the Princess and … what was she?
Erica: She like being "the lady in waiting".
Erica: She did.
Leo: You've been bossing that girl around since the second grade. You-you have more friends than her, you do better in school and guys like you. No wonder she's so jealous of you.
Erica: She's jealous of me?
Dr. Tom: Ah, jealousy - the great taboo emotion of our time. See, Freud was all about uncovering feelings that people had, but that they couldn't talk about. So, of course, (German accent) in his day, it vas sex. But these days, it's envy that we've renounced. No one talks about it, and no one admits it - even to themselves.
Erica: So, what do I do? I mean, how do you make somebody not jealous? How do you even bring it up?
Dr. Tom (German accent): Hmm, excellent question. How do you? (turns and walks away)
Erica: Sometimes … you're incredibly unhelpful.
Dr. Tom (German accent): Why, thank you.
Katie: It's like whenever you're around, people don't even see me.
Erica: No, that's-that's not true.
Katie: Really? So what just happened back there with Addison? Or Judith, who only wants to be friends with you now?
Erica: Hey, listen, okay, tell me, what-what can I do?
Katie: You could stop making me feel worthless. Like, what you said about Leo? I wasn't with your brother because of Zach, I was with him because he was the only one at the party who could actually see me. But, according to you, I'm just a jealous slut, right? Whatever, I don't even care anymore.
Brent: Do you know how long it took me to get credit on even one book?
Erica: A really long time?
Brent: Do you know how many people in this office would jump at the chance to edit a memo Julianne is sending out?
Erica: Brent, what do I do?
Brent: For once … alright, maybe twice, in my life - I don't know.
Erica: Julianne, I, um, I overreacted.
Julianne: Who, you?
Erica: It's just the thing is, is that, Katie and I, I mean, we have a history. And I know that she's felt like she was always in my shadow, so … now she does things to get back at me and I just, I always take the bait - but, I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Julianne (skeptical): She's in your shadow? Okay … (clears throat)
Julianne: Okay, okay, you know, I'm just gonna save you a lot of therapy and "break it down". You are an assistant, she's a star columnist. You're single, she's married. You're jealous … and guess what? She's not. If you want me to even let you press spell-check on The None, you will get over your issues with Katie, pronto. Oh, and you will get me a green tea ice cream for dessert.
(Erica and Katie are having a heart-to-heart and ignoring Judith)
Erica: It's just, I don't-I don't wanna do this anymore. I wanna-I wanna be honest with you. And it's … it's really hard to tell someone that you're jealous of them because it's not-it's not that I'm angry with you or that I'm … or that I'm hurt …
Erica: Judith, please.
Katie: It's just something that you don't usually admit.
Erica: Even to yourself.
Judith: Guys …
Judith: No, I-I-I feel really weird.
(Judith gasps as she stands and her water breaks)
Erica: Oh, my God!
Katie: That ain't pee.
Erica: Feelings. So often we fool ourselves into thinking we can control them, until one day we're ambushed - caught off guard by rage or jealousy or … love - and we're forced to face the truth … The truth is this : you can't control how you feel, only what you do about it.
International Episode Titles:
Czech Republic: Můj dům, tvůj dům (My House, Your House)
Original International Air Dates:
U.S. : April 23, 2009 on SOAPnet
Netherlands : June 9, 2009 on Net 5
U.K. : November 23, 2009 on E4
Leo: If loving my sister's friends is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
Leo is alluding to "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right", a song about adultery written by Stax songwriters Homer Banks, Carl Hampton and Raymond Jackson. Although the soulful ballad has been covered by more than a dozen artists, the most likely reference for Leo's allusion would be either the #1 soul single by Luther Ingram (1972) or the #1 country single by Barbara Mandrell (1979).