Paul F. Tompkins: Well, American Idol is back on the air because that was the pact America made with Satan. Just a thousand more years everybody and then we get the power of flight!
Paul F. Tompkins: In this week's CS Investigation Miami, we found out how many electrodes you need to read a man's mind. The answer: all of them.
Doug Benson: Murder on the job? That's impossible! I've never done an honest day's work in my life!
Mike Britt: Now, this season the Bachelor has 15 women to choose from, but it doesn't make a difference because they all share one brain.
Paul F. Tompkins: He has a name Miss! It's Flush Fernandez and if you want to know how to spell it just look at his tombstone. I'm kidding, he's not dead. Those machines can keep you alive for years.