Nick Kroll: You know the old saying: If you fall down get right back up and start applauding yourself because you've got Vaseline on your teeth and double-stick tape on your nipples and butthole.
Doug Benson: (making fun of Regis Philbin) I don't have time for extraordinary acting! I'm about to die!
Paul Scheer: Where are these papers that people are reading about Al Reynolds? Did he go to one of those carnivals where you put your face in Time magazine? Oh, another magazine article about me, Al Reynolds.
Doug Benson: Unfortunately while Troy was singing the guy he was supposed to be guarding scored the game winning basket for the other team. Good one Troy.
Christian Finnegan: After seeing a guy go through that much torture, and probably take five years off of his life in the process, he probably got some huge prize right? Like he won a castle or something?
Nick Kroll: $1,000? I wouldn't even appear as a pop culture pundit on a basic cable show for a $1,000....I don't make a $1,000? Oh.
Paul F. Tompkins: (singing) My new best friend Joss Whedon, the singing can be quite a thrill. I love a thrill, that's why I took a bunch of morning after pills. I voted for Ralph Nader, I sleep in an abandoned car. I go to Costo and buy the mayonnaise and eat if from the jar. I steal my neighbor's Netflix, I have a crush on George Takei.
Joss Whedon: Okay
Paul: I saw Melissa Rauch choking and I just watched her die!
Joss: I think I better go.
Rudy Sandoval is a 17 year old pizza guy who beat up the guy trying to rob the place.