Best Week Ever

Doug Benson: National girl fighting week got off to a great start when race car driver Danica Patrick had a run in with another lady race car driver. But then things were taken up a notch by the WNBA. Whatever that stands for.

John Mulaney: Whoa! What started this brawl? Did someone make fun of The L Word?

Paul Scheer: It was like, gloves are off, let's come out swinging. You're a bitch, you're a bitch. Let's do this interview.

Christian Finnegan: In Omarosa's defense, that's the only copy of the book she has. The publisher only printed up one.

Doug Benson: After examining Christian Bale's mom for the aforementioned verbal abuse, I found some verbal bruising, some verbal lacerations, the whole left side of her face looks extremely yelled at, so overall she been pretty verbally beaten up. So I prescribed verbal ointment, a verbal icepack and some pointless small talk to get her back on her feet.

Nick Kroll: You know some people say the way to show a woman you love her is by giving her a diamond ring. Other people say you should grab her by the back of the neck and scream in her face.

Paul F. Tompkins: Who was this censorship for? It's so awkward, can't really be fooling anyone. Hey! Wait a minute! No father would tell his son to wear a rubber tire. It's not in Scripture.

Jessica St. Clair: Just as things looked their bleakest, one German guy saved the day with his very unusual talent: identifying CDs with his tongue.

John Mulaney: You know the Pentagon went nuts. If they've got this over in Germany we need to get that here. Everyone start licking CDs. Not that way! Do it with a CD blindfold on! What? Do you not watch Wanna Bet?

Chuck Nice: This week Madam Tousaud's of London unveiled a wax figure of Amy Winehouse. A spokesman for Tousaud's said it doesn't look like Amy yet, but if you leave it outside for a couple of months the pigeons and the car pollution will have it looking like Amy in no time.

Chuck Nice: That was the Sizzler! And remember, if life give you lemons, put those lemons in a sock and beat the crap out of life with it! Have a great August!

Paul F. Tompkins: Hope you're not expecting me to say some nice sh*t about your eyes, 'cause that was all I got. Now my brain is empty.

Judah Friedlander: Brooke needs to realize that not all women are alike, you know. They're not all morons like Brooke Hogan.

Mike Britt: This is the first time I've seen a psychic contact the ghost of emphysema.