Mike Britt: Whether he's been bad or not, I'll tell you what. You don't want to get caught spanking your monkey on the playground, that is a no no.
Adam Winer: Watching that monkey punch the kid, its weird, you start to think, maybe it would rather be in the jungle?
Adam Winer: Aww, just look at that dress. Always the monkey bridesmaid, never the monkey bride.
Chuck Nice: Do you wanna know the best thing about being a monkey kid? The outfits!!
Melissa Rauch: I would so much rather have a monkey than a real kid.
(mimicking kid voice) "Mommy change me. Mommy I want candy. Mommy I love you."
Who needs it?
Mike Britt: You know what the advantages of having a monkey baby are? I'll tell you. Number one, Doesn't matter how he looks. Nobody is going to say "Ooh, that baby's ugly." Its a monkey. Alright. Number two, you don't have to take this little monkey to school. There is no monkey school.
Frangela: Amy Winehouse seems to be lashing out at everyone. Okay. Who's going to be next her fans? Yup.
Sherrod Small: Amy! Why do you want Kanye West beef? You don't need to beef with any Hip Hoppers. Matter fact, beef with yourself. Look in the mirror, you already got jumped, by you.
Adam Winer: You think its gum she just spat, but this is Amy Winehouse. She could of just coughed out a tonsil. Don't want to get hit by that in the crowd
Mike Britt: So Amy started off her rampage by spitting her gum out at the crowd.
John Mulaney: Hey Amy Winehouse! Why don't you pick on someone you own size, like a broomstick with a hornet's nest on top of it. That's about as close you can get to her.
Paul F. Tompkins: Why haven't I been back on the show!?
Justin Kirk: I don't write the show!
Paul: Don't you?
Justin. I…Do I?
Justin: Look, there's plenty of great actors who've never even been on Weeds.
Paul: Name two.
Justin: Bob Newhart and…Dakota Fanning.
Paul: Hmm. Alright, name two dead actors who never would have been on the show.
Justin: Tony Randall…John Wilkes Booth.
Paul: Oh wow, you're good at this. Okay, name two cereal mascots who if they were real people would be great actors.
Justin: Okay uhh…Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula.
Paul: Exactly! Tony would be great because he's got the beautiful voice..
Justin: The Count does accents
Paul: Aww fun. Hey, why was I even mad at you in the first place?
Justin: Because we won't have you back on Weeds.
Paul: That's right! Why!?
Justin: You're a terrible actor.
Paul: Good point.
Primetime announcer: He used to be an outsider, the biggest man on record, as heavy as nine people…and a pony.
Greg Fitzsimmons: You wonder, is this going to change the weight and measurement scales across the board. Hey, this is my new pony. You like him? He weighs about a 9th as much as the world's fattest man.
John Mulaney: This is America's greatest victory against the arrogant British ever since Mrs. Doubtfire threw that piece of fruit at Pierce Brosnan.
Trashing the British: Madonna getting divorced, Jay Z massacres Oasis song, Boy George not given a visa.