Best Week Ever

(Commercial narrator): ...What you need is the Slimclip - the amazing new wallet that holds everything you need in less than half an inch. Doug Benson: Oh yeah, I'll give you everything you want in less than half an inch.

Jessica St. Clair: Fox has a new drama called Fringe by the guy who created Lost. But if you're not a Lost fan, don't worry because it's nothing like it. Except it starts with a turbulent plane ride, stars a 90s TV heartthrob and features an international conspiracy perpetuated by a mysterious corporation. But otherwise, totally different, I mean the word fringe is nothing like the word lost. And it's got melting faces. Suck on that Lost.

Paul F. Tompkins: The election's in less that two months and one of the nominees is your friend! How could you have not made up your minds yet!

Rob Huebel: What these two rich people don't understand about computers is that we don't want to eat them like cake. We merely want them to deliver pornography more quickly.

Rob Heubel: I did some dumb things. I burned down my boss' house…and I owe you a cat. I admit that, okay? I ate seventeen cheesecakes topped with bacon, sprinkled, just sprinkled with heroin. It was delicious but a terrible idea, I know it was a terrible idea. And I had sex , a lot, with different things and I didn't wear a condom and now my privates are all black and it's the worst thing. Why am I always falling for this stuff man? Like Y2K sucked me in and I still got piles of tuna fish cans and bottled water and ammunition and gasoline. It's so dumb! (picks up newspaper) What's that? Russia is re-aiming their nuclear missiles at the U.S.? Yes! I'm back! Where are my syringes? Where are they!

Doug Benson: I wanted to give a gold medal to Andrea Mitchell for her excellent reporting at the aforementioned RNC, but tragically she was eaten by a pack of hungry balloons. I'm going to hunt down every one of you hungry balloons!