Better Off Ted

Season 1 Episode 9


Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Jun 30, 2009 on ABC



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Ted: You might say Veridian Dynamics is like a finely tuned watch. That's Dale. He even has a big hand and a little hand.

    • Ted: So, what is it?
      Phil: We call it "The Voice of God."
      Ted: No, we don't.
      Phil: No, we don't.

    • Linda: Field testing shows that the subject, or "victim," as I like to call people "helped" by Veridian Technology, can be hundreds of feet away and will hear the message as though it's being whispered only to them.
      Phil: It's highly persuasive. Advertising companies are very excited because it will allow them to burrow even deeper into the human brain.

    • Phil: At full power, the sound wave is so intense it can cause vomiting.
      Ted: A machine that causes vomiting. Well, that could have all kinds of applications for the military... and fashion modeling.

    • Ted: Yes, a biocomputer. It's half machine, half living organism. If you think that sounds creepy, you should see it at feeding time.

    • Ted: Well, I'd love to help you, Linda, but I don't have a lot of space in here.
      Linda: In here. In here... in here.
      Ted: And there's that terrible echo.

    • Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Machines. When you were little, you wanted to be one. Now we're working to make that happen. By taking the best things about people, and the best things about machines, and combining them into something strong and, we hope, loving. Veridian Dynamics. Man and machines. Best friends forever.

    • Phil: Why don't you go talk to her?
      Lem: Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?
      Phil: If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.
      Lem: If only I was a worm. i could cut myself in two and date my lower half.
      Phil: We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen.

    • Lem: I can be funny. Uh, want to see me throw something at that guy or touch the ceiling?
      Lucy: That's lame. But it's cute you're trying so hard to impress me.
      Lem: If you like lame, you should meet me for a drink tonight after I have dinner with my mom and pretend to go to bed.

    • Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
      Ted: Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it's staring at me.
      Linda: Sorry. It's from a small town. It's never seen a big businessman like you before.
      Ted: Well tell it to act more professional. It's making a spectacle of itself.

    • Phil: Oh, god, Lem, you're using science for no good. We took an oath we would try to do that less.

    • Lem: Oh my god, I emptied the stomach of the woman I love.

    • Ted: I guess I've also been under a lot of pressure. With Linda moving in my office and all, it's... it's been a difficult time. So what do we do?
      Lem: We're men. We ignore your vulnerable moment.
      Ted: I meant about the biocomputer.

    • Phil: I can write a program that's triggered by an acid buildup, a sort of acid interface, or "Ass-Face" for short.
      Lem: I'm not sure these abbreviations are really worth the time we're saving.

    • Linda: But, fine, what did you want to talk about?
      Ted: Well, your work habits and how bad they are and how much that bugs me.
      Linda: Okay, this can wait. Go ahead.
      Ted: Well, to begin with, your work habits are bad, uh, and in conclusion, that bugs me.

    • Ted: Fine, from now on, no more flirting. We keep it professional.
      Linda: Fine with me... boss.
      Ted: Good. Starting now, you're just another butt-less coworker.
      Linda: Good. Then the door has nothing to hit on my way out.

    • Veronica: You did this, Phil. And to recognize your efforts, we're promoting you to Senior Lab Associate.
      Phil: Oh, I was promoted to that a year ago.
      Veronica: Really? You shouldn't have been. You probably owe the company some money. I'll check into that for you.
      Phil: Thank you...

  • Notes

    • International Airdates:
      Latin America: November 9, 2009 on Canal FX
      Czech Republic: May 3, 2010 on Prima COOL
      UK: August 24, 2010 on FX

  • Allusions

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