Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 7

Phil: Do you think I look like a possum in this shirt?
Lem: Not in that shirt. Why?

Clark: Mr. Crisp, you had a near-unanimous rating of "excellent." In fact, there were even several write-ins of "adorable."
Veronica: Oh, brother, look out Jesus.

Veronica: Hi, Balding Guy. I love what you've done with the hair you have left.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork--it's a beautiful thing. In business, it means working together for a common goal. X-rays show that when people work together, they're happier and less likely to do something weird. Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.

Ted: Look, the company does all sorts of crazy things. That doesn't mean we have to be crazy, too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55-year-old man.

Manny: Ted, you're so put together. It's like you stepped out of a magazine. Didn't you ever get a mustard stain on your shirt, or a hooker's vomit on your pants?
Ted: Well, I did do one of those things when I was 12 at a baseball game. I won't tell you which one it is, but it was the game of my life.

Linda: I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.
Ted: Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.
Linda: Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Ted: Veronica and her hair were working hard on the company's campaign to improve morale. They both put on a good front, but one of them was feeling frustrated and the other was feeling dry and flaky.

Lem: I'm sorry, but when I hear an undeserved compliment it makes my ears want to throw up.
Phil: Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

Phil: My wife says I wouldn't know comedy if it ripped my face off.
Veronica: Good for you for having a wife.

Veronica: And the next time some survey asks how happy you are, you check "very," or I'll give you something to be happy about.
Ted: I'm not sure that makes any...
Veronica: The hair is up. That's all they hear.