Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 6

Linda: Don't bother with HR. I can fake any ID with a razor blade and wite-out. Trust me, I've been 21 since I was 15.

Linda: You love rules. You should marry a rule and have little rule children, then build a house made of rules.
Ted: You mean a house made of my own children?
Linda: That's between you and your conscience.

Ted: I think I know my last name. It's the one thing my father and I agree on.

Phil: This jet pack project is going to be so exciting. Jet packs are the ultimate dream of every scientist. Skies teeming with ordinary citizens strapped to rockets.
Lem: Flying through the air at 60 miles an hour in any direction. (thinks about it) A lot of people are going to die.

Dr. Bhamba: Stop it! We're scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted's late. We can't know why any more than we can unlock the secrets of the universe.

Veronica: But rebooting would shut down Veridian's entire worldwide operation. And that means money, which the company never parts with unless forced to by a government stronger than they are. And there's only three of those left.

Veronica: Okay, fine, I'll take care of your precious lab. Leave it all to me. So, Linda, you're in charge of the lab. I leave it all to you.
Linda: Me?
Veronica: I don't like it down there. it's chilly, the people are odd, and it smells like science.
Linda: Well, I'm not a huge fan of that place either. Last time I was down there, I got chased by some weird eight-legged bird.
Veronica: Ah, the octo-chicken. We had such hopes for that.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Individuals--we believe everyone is special, irreplaceable, and will follow the thing walking in front of it. That's why we celebrate all individuals, even ones going nowhere. Veridian Dynamics--because you can't spell "individual" without "Veridian." And "U." And an "L."

Dr. Bhamba: And why do you get to be in charge? As I recall, you were the only one who ran from the octo-chicken.
Linda: Well, it freaked me out when it came down from its web.
Dr. Bhamba: You're weak and have no leadership qualities.
Linda: I can lead. Maybe you're just a crappy follower, did you ever think of that?

Linda: I can't believe the company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you want to scream or put your fist through a wall or rub your junk on the CEO's chair?
Ted: Yes, yes, and I only use my junk for good, not evil. With great junk comes great responsibility.

Ted: You know, I'd like to believe after everything I've done for this company over the years, they'd show me a little more loyalty than this.
Veronica: Yes, I know it's hard to accept that giant companies don't care about people. I know how hard it was for me when I first realized it... when I was 8.

Linda: Listen to my tone and not my words. We can't just stand here and let them take Ted away from us. He is the shiniest employee we have.
Lem: Did you just say "shiniest"?
Linda: Again, listen to my tone and not my words. We have to do something.
Phil: Linda's tone is right. We can't function without Ted.

Linda: We're not here because the company needs us. We're here because we need you. You bring out the best in each of us. You take a bunch of barely functional, socially awkward semi-creepy scientists, and one beautifully normal product tester, and make us a team.

Linda: Oh, shoot.
Ryan: What's wrong, Linda? Is your card not working?
Linda: No, it's not the card. it's these damn breasts of mine. Ugh, I'm taking this new medication and it's making 'em so big and perky. Do they looks strange to you?
Ryan: Don't worry about those breasts, Linda. They're top shelf.
Ted: Hmm.
Linda: You can't tell from over there. Come closer.

Lem: Did you disable the camera?
Dr. Bhamba: Did you disable your stupid-question filter?
Lem: I thought I did.

Ted: None of this would've happened if it weren't for you.
Linda: Hey, my boobs worked their ass off.

Veronica: I should have you all fired or demoted, or put you in the tank with the octo-chicken.