Better Off Ted

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chicken that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.

Veronica: Ted. Ted: Veronica. Veronica: How are you? Ted: I'm fine. Why? Veronica: I was just seeing what small talk might look like. Ted: Oh, well, usually, you... Veronica: Please stop. I feel like I just pissed away my day.

Veronica: We have a problem. The Food Division just told me that the "Extra Fun Mac and Cheese" I'm supposed to be presenting to the shareholders causes blindness if eaten more than twice a week. Plus, no matter how long it's cooked, it never gets hot. Ted: Maybe it's not Mac and Cheese. Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They've already designed the box.

Ted: At least meat grown in a test tube doesn't feel pain. Please tell me it doesn't feel pain. Lem: We don't think so. Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music.

Linda: I wish you didn't have your stupid one-office-affair rule, and that you hadn't used your one office affair so stupidly. Ted: And I wish you hadn't called me stupid twice in one sentence, but here we are.

Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him. Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover. Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick. Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.

Phil: I've never been in the executive dining room before. It's nice. Veronica: Well, now you can have lunch here any time you want. (sotto voce) For the next week.

Phil: I am the Below Zero Hero. Julie in Employee Services asked for my autograph. That's right, Julie. With those breasts in front. It's a new Phil, Lem. You had better get used to it.

Jerome: (sampling cow-less meat) It tastes familiar. Ted: Beef? Jerome: No. Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken. Ted: What does it taste like? Jerome: Despair. Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?

Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab. Veronica: It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse. Ted: I was talking about Phil. Veronica: I was also talking about Phil. (Ted looks skeptical) It's classified. It's going to be a fantastic new tool. If we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children. Ted: We have a Phil problem. And that means we have a meat problem. Veronica: I can't have a Phil or a meat problem. Bad enough I have a cyborg problem. Stupid thing just kills whatever is in front of it.

Lem: Maybe the meat blob's not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth. Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say.

Phil: How can I know so much about the bonds of chemicals yet so little about the bonds of friendship?

Ted: Guys! You're together. And you have 72 hours to make that thing taste like something a drunk teenager would tip over. (Phil and Lem stare) Cow. I'm talking about a cow.