Better Off Ted

Season 1 Episode 2


Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Mar 25, 2009 on ABC
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Episode Summary

Veronica worries about legal problems after Phil suffers problems after the cryogenic experiment. Phil and Lem try to create meatless beef.

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Carla Jimenez

Carla Jimenez

Lab Worker #2

Guest Star

Peter Spruyt

Peter Spruyt


Guest Star

Bill Stevenson

Bill Stevenson

Lab Worker #1

Recurring Role

Rizwan Manji

Rizwan Manji

Male Office Worker

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (15)

    • (Talking about Phil's involvement in the meat project)
      Ted: But, without Phil this meat project is not going to happen.
      Veronica: But, I need the meat project.
      Ted: Then, you need Phil.
      Veronica: But, we can't use Phil.
      Ted: Then, you can't have the meat project.
      Veronica: But, I need the meat project.
      Ted: Then, you need Phil.
      Veronica: But, I can't use Phil.
      Ted: (awkward silence) You prefer this to small talk?

    • Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chicken that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.

    • Veronica: Ted.
      Ted: Veronica.
      Veronica: How are you?
      Ted: I'm fine. Why?
      Veronica: I was just seeing what small talk might look like.
      Ted: Oh, well, usually, you...
      Veronica: Please stop. I feel like I just pissed away my day.

    • Veronica: We have a problem. The Food Division just told me that the "Extra Fun Mac and Cheese" I'm supposed to be presenting to the shareholders causes blindness if eaten more than twice a week. Plus, no matter how long it's cooked, it never gets hot.
      Ted: Maybe it's not Mac and Cheese.
      Veronica: Oh, no, it has to be. They've already designed the box.

    • Ted: At least meat grown in a test tube doesn't feel pain. Please tell me it doesn't feel pain.
      Lem: We don't think so.
      Phil: Yeah, although interestingly, it does respond to music.

    • Linda: I wish you didn't have your stupid one-office-affair rule, and that you hadn't used your one office affair so stupidly.
      Ted: And I wish you hadn't called me stupid twice in one sentence, but here we are.

    • Veronica: Legal is worried that Phil might think his annoying outbursts are connected to our allegedly freezing him.
      Ted: We didn't "allegedly" freeze him, we froze him. Like a human leftover.
      Veronica: Legal says we don't know what that chamber is that he entered freely. The latest theory is that he may have been attempting to perform a magic trick.
      Ted: Oh, yeah, that magic trick where the company freezes him.

    • Phil: I've never been in the executive dining room before. It's nice.
      Veronica: Well, now you can have lunch here any time you want. (sotto voce) For the next week.

    • Phil: I am the Below Zero Hero. Julie in Employee Services asked for my autograph. That's right, Julie. With those breasts in front. It's a new Phil, Lem. You had better get used to it.

    • Jerome: (sampling cow-less meat) It tastes familiar.
      Ted: Beef?
      Jerome: No.
      Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken.
      Ted: What does it taste like?
      Jerome: Despair.
      Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?

    • Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab.
      Veronica: It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.
      Ted: I was talking about Phil.
      Veronica: I was also talking about Phil. (Ted looks skeptical) It's classified. It's going to be a fantastic new tool. If we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.
      Ted: We have a Phil problem. And that means we have a meat problem.
      Veronica: I can't have a Phil or a meat problem. Bad enough I have a cyborg problem. Stupid thing just kills whatever is in front of it.

    • Lem: Maybe the meat blob's not taking in enough nutrients. I guess I could try and give it a mouth.
      Ted: I'm gonna say no to the meat blob getting a mouth. Mostly because I don't want to hear what it has to say.

    • Phil: How can I know so much about the bonds of chemicals yet so little about the bonds of friendship?

    • Ted: Guys! You're together. And you have 72 hours to make that thing taste like something a drunk teenager would tip over. (Phil and Lem stare) Cow. I'm talking about a cow.

    • Ted: I... I would love to help you with that, Linda, but I used up my office affair.
      Linda: It's not like voting, Ted. You can punch more than one ballot.
      Ted: I... I don't want to be a guy who votes around.

  • NOTES (1)

    • International Airdates:
      Latin America: September 21, 2009 on Canal FX
      Czech Republic: April 20, 2010 on Prima COOL
      United Kingdom: July 27, 2010 on FX