Better Off Ted

Veronica talks to Ted in the hallway and tries out some small talk. It doesn't go well, and needs him to develop a new food product because the last one made people blind. Ted calls a team meeting to come up with something new, and suggest they go with their cowless beef. In the middle of the meeting, Phil starts screaming uncontrollably. Ted figures it was the cryogenic experiment and Veronica sprays Phil down to get him to stop. Linda arrives late because of the new bathroom towel machines.



Phil and Lem head back to the lab and feed their growing beef. Meanwhile, Linda steals coffee creamer to make up for the paper towel incidence, and explains to Ted that her small act of rebellion keeps her from going insane. She admits that she regrets that Ted already used up his one office affair. Veronica arrives to get coffee and Linda makes a hasty exit. She tells Ted that Legal is worried about Phil suing the company, but Ted warns they can't develop the cowless meat without him. Ted suggests they encourage Phil to feel good about what he did. Veronica agrees to honor Phil to keep him from suing.



Ted makes the presentation to the executives at their dining room and gives him the new award. Unfortunately, Phil starts screaming in the middle of his speech. Veronica tries to cover by explaining it's a screech of triumph and applauds. The others reluctantly join in.



Back in the lab, Phil boasts of his triumph but Lem is jealous of the attention he's getting. Phil tells him he'd better get used to the new Phil. Meanwhile, Ted goes to test their meat sample with Jerome. He runs into Linda and warns her she has to stop stealing creamer. Linda insists she can't stop. Jerome tries the meat and says that it tastes like despair. As they leave to give the problem to Phil and Lem, they run into Lem, who says he can't work with Phil any more.



Ted goes to tell Veronica the bad news. She decides to take things into her own hands and goes to the executive dining room where Phil is entertaining. She flirts with him and then asks for his autograph… and his initials… and his date. Once he's done, Veronica points out he just signed a waiver to agree not to sue the company. She then leaves, telling him to get back to work.



Ted visits Lem, who isn't having any luck developing the meat blob. Phil arrives and Ted explains he sincerely believes Phil is a hero. Phil snaps at Lem and they start to fight, so Ted separates them and assigns them to different teams. Lem is glad to go but Phil can't believe it. Ted points out that Lem might feel abandoned and Phil realizes that he's endangered their friendship. He runs to the door only to find Lem coming back in. Ted tells them they have 72 hours to perfect the meat blob.



Phil and Lem start doing work on cows and figure out that all the meat blob needs is exercise to develop muscle and fat. After a number of experiments, they finally come up with electro-shock stimulation. They force a nervous Jerome to try it and even he's satisfied. The team shares beef appetizer and win another award. It now costs $10,000 a pound, but Ted is happy that Phil and Lem are heroes in their own way.



Ted tries to refill the creamer bowls but Linda doesn't want to steal it because she's be stealing from him, not the company. She asks if Ted knows any other way she can relieve her stress. Ted refuses to have a second office affair, so Linda decides to waste paper in the bathroom instead.