Better Off Ted

Veronica: This weekend, Mordor and I am going scuba diving. Last weekend we raced cars in the desert and ate a rattlesnake... and a goat that wandered into our camp, and then a light salad.

Veronica: I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life--burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.

Linda: Whenever I have sex, I have to be alert the next day so I don't make mistakes. I have to be alert during sex so I don't make mistakes. Basically, I always have to be alert. Ted: Is it possible to make mistakes during a sex, for a woman to make mistakes during sex?

Linda: God, you'd be hard to go out with. Ted: Hey, I am fantastic to go out with. I'm... I'm thoughtful as a man can be, while still pillaging like a Viking in the bedroom. But I am not getting involved in Veronica's personal life. Linda: So my boss gets to have all the sex-fun of a relationship, while all the stress of being exhausted trickles down to me? Man, capitalism blows.

Phil: Wow. Can you imagine how great it would be to just take Veronica out in the middle of the day and have lunch with her? Lem: You should try to aim higher for your fantasies.

Ted: This... this is about Veronica. See, she has a very high-pressure job. And she does it with 100% focus. Mordor: Oh, she's the same in bed. Or when dismembering a goat. Ted: Right. So you and the other animals have seen it.

Linda: What did you say to Mordor? Ted: I did not tell him to have sex with Veronica while she's sleeping. Why? What did he do? Linda: I walked into the supply closet, and he was in there with Ashley from Accounting. And they were not looking for supplies. Unless she uses her ya-ha to store office supplies and he uses his yang-doodle to look for things. That's what my mom calls it.

Linda: Oh, don't be that guy who points fingers. No one likes a pointer. Even in the dog world, they're seen as insufferable.

Veronica: God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.

Veronica: Of course it was an accident. Although, the man was cheating on me, and my subconscious is very protective, and sometimes kind of a douche.