Better Off Ted

Season 2 Episode 1

Love Blurts

3
Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Dec 08, 2009 on ABC
8.8
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Ted and Linda find their perfect matches thanks to Veridian's new genetic compatibility program. Meanwhile, Veronica and Lem are matched genetically, and she insists he make a sperm donation for her.

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    • TRIVIA (1)

    • QUOTES (21)

      • Ted: "Whee... Love is in the Air." Well, gee, genetic engineering is romantic. That's why it's so often used as a prom theme.

      • Ted: Phil, just because they use the word "whee" doesn't mean it's a good thing. Remember "Whee! It's Pension Rollbacks"?
        Phil: Oh, actually that was fun.. until they rolled back our pensions.

      • Ted: So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
        Veronica: Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
        Ted: When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
        Veronica: Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
        Ted: Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

      • Ted: So to save money, the company is getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria with food pellets.
        Veronica: Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate. Anything that starts with the word "whee" is just a fun suggestion. Like the Constitution and "Whee the People."

      • Linda: Who does the company think it is, telling us who to boff? We fought the British over our right to boff. They wanted us to shag.

      • Phil: Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
        Lem: Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now. I have to go see Veronica and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.

      • Lem: You wanted to see me?
        Veronicanew : Yes. Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
        Lem: I'm sorry. It got out of its containment vessel and it's extremely aggressive. Wait, did you say my sperm?

      • Veronica: While right now I'm neither interested in raising a child, nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
        Lem: You want to have my baby?
        Veronica: Well, using your DNA would only be my Plan E. Behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids, or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
        Lem: Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship. Tanned, wind in your hair, no ovaries.

      • Danielle: Hi, I'm Danielle. The company feels very strongly that we should "whee..." have unprotected sex with each other.
        Ted: Oh, you're that Danielle. You're, you're on my compatibility list. Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.

      • Linda: You're good-looking.
        Greg: Yeah, it bums me out, too. Thanks a lot, God.
        Linda: No, it's just, I'm not dating off that stupid list. A friend and I made a deal not to. We can't let the company breed us like golden retrievers or we'll all end up with weak hips and kennel cough.

      • Phil: This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
        Lem: He must never know about Aqua-Ted.

      • Veronica: Oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project?
        Lem: Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
        Veronica: Please. I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.

      • Greg: I have my own little way of acting out.
        Linda: Really?
        Greg: Yeah.
        Linda: What is it?
        Greg: No, you're going to think it's strange.
        Linda: Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
        Greg: All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
        Linda: You what now?
        Greg: Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.

      • Veronica: You should always limit what you say during sex to moaning and helpful tips.

      • Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
        Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.

      • Phil: Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless. We have been hated throughout history. The English hunted Mymans for sport. The French used us as building materials. The Russians had an expression: "As useless as a stack of Mymans.
        Ted: Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors. "The Screaming Mymans"--that sounds promising.
        Phil: They weren't warriors. The Crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls as ammunition.

      • Lem: I'm so weak. How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
        Ted: Oh, at least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
        Lem: No, I did not. But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.

      • Ted: We have a scientist problem.
        Veronica: God. I can't wait until they invent their own replacements.

      • Ted: What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway?
        Veronica: My stupid sister popped out another one. And I held it, and it smelled really good. It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back. Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have. But part of it was something else.

      • Phil: Hello. I'm Philip Myman. I'm here for my free vasectomy. I believe I am also entitled to a complimentary windbreaker.
        Receptionist: We're out of windbreakers. Would you like a sports bottle?
        Phil: No, I got the sports bottle when they rolled back my pension.

      • Lem: Wow, look how fierce and protective (Veronica) is.
        Phil: This must be how a baby lion feels when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medical records.

    • NOTES (2)

      • International Airdates:
        Latin America: March 15, 2010 on Canal FX
        Czech Republic: May 11, 2010 on Prima COOL
        UK: September 7, 2010 on FX
        Slovakia: March 17, 2013 on JOJ Plus

      • Injoke: Among the names on the Veridian compatibility chart are: J. Hoberg, K. Likkel, P. Dunn, M. Teverbaugh, L. Iannone, D. Mahoney, S. Shimizu, J. Gordon, J. Barney, T. Doley, and many others. They're all crew members.

    • ALLUSIONS (0)

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