Better Off Ted

Ted Crisp is the head of R&D at Veridian Dynamics. His boss Veronica wants his team to develop a weaponized pumpkin. Ted goes to his team, which comes up with the idea of breeding pumpkin mold as a biological weapon. Next, Veronica turns over a newly developed fabric to Ted to come up with a way to sell it.

Researchers Lem and Phil are geniuses and partners, and deal with the fact the company is moving the toilet paper mounts further from the toilets. Lem thinks the company is out to get him and prepares to fight, but Phil points out he never fights for everything. Lem tries to get Ted's input but he agrees that Lem doesn't fight injustice. He gives them the fabric and tells them to turn it into chair fabric. Linda Zwordling, who is in charge of testing, has people try the chairs but the fabric is so uncomfortable that no one can sit on them for long. Ted shows Linda the results, and discovers that she's stockpiling creamer. The report shows that people are more productive because the fabric is so uncomfortable.

Veronica goes to Ted to talk about Phil, and tells Phil to leave. As it turns out, the company wants to cryogenically freeze Phi for a year to test their most recent product. They've chosen Phil because people would miss him the least. She asks Ted to get Phil to volunteer and he warns it'll be difficult. He goes to Linda, who accuses him of trying to please everyone when he sympathizes with her attempt to publish a children's book. She warns that Phil should be fine as long as his eyes don't explode at 20 below. Linda complains about how the company treats them, and admits that's why she steals creamer. Phil discovers he's going to be frozen and Ted convinces him that it's an honor.

At home, Ted's daughter Rose is skeptical about Phil being frozen. She wonders if Ted would leave her for a year and he assures her he wouldn't. She insists it's wrong to get Phil to participate. Ted reluctantly agrees and goes back to Phil. Phil insists that it's a great honor and his wife is okay with it. They freeze Phil, who gets cut off in the middle of his heroic speech when he's frozen. As they watch and wait to see if Phil's eyes explode, Linda and Ted grab each other's hand and then quickly release each other.

After three days, Veronica has Phil's cryogenic canister moved to the basement. The workers in advertently thaw him out when they drop his canister. Ted assures Rose that Phil's almost fine, except for a tendency to scream uncontrollably. Veronica tells Ted to fire him. Later, Linda runs into Ted in the elevator and she wonders if he's been avoiding him. Ted denies holding her hand: he just held onto her hand after she held onto his hand. She demonstrates how it happened, but Ted explains he used up his office affair a year ago. If he sleeps with someone else it'll make him look like he sleeps around. Ted remembers to a year ago when he had the affair with Veronica. Veronica gets into the elevator and notices that there's something between Ted and Linda. After Linda leaves, she tells him to fire Phil. When Ted recommends they slow down, Veronica free and tells him to wait until the end of the business week.

Rose is unhappy that her father is going to fire Phil and doesn't think it's right.

At work, Veronica sneaks up on Linda, figuring she's sleeping with Ted. Veronica tells Ted that he can't have him sleep with Linda because it might embarrass her. She notices that Phil is working, even though he's randomly screaming. She tells him to fire Phil but he refuses. She warns that saying "no" to "them" is a bad idea. Veronica says she'll talk to "them," but warns that it might hurt "their" feelings.