Pilot

Season 1, Episode 1, Aired

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    • Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Power, we make that. Technology, we make that. Cows. Well, no, we don't make cows. Although we have made a sheep. And medicines. And airplane engines. And whatever this is. And all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day something we make, makes your life better. Usually. Veridian. Life. Better.
    • (Ted talking to Phil after the talk with his daughter) Ted: Just tell them (the firm) you don't want to do it, they can't force employees to participate in human experiments. They lost that court case.
    • Veronica: We want to make a metal that is hard as steel but can bounce like rubber, and is edible.
    • Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin. Ted: Then so do I. Because? Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies. Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween. Veronica: Pie. Ted: Halloween and pie.
    • Ted: Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things.
    • Lem: What... that's not normal, Phil. Phil: It becomes normal... if you keep doing it. Everything does.
    • Ted: "Never give up." That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up.
    • Ted: You think it's possible? Veronica: Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical that allows us to rapidly freeze animal tissue without it exploding. And--fingers crossed--we're ready for human testing. Ted: Your presentation sucks.
    • Veronica: Your guys would do anything for you, Ted. They've got... what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty.
    • Linda: This is a great company, isn't it? Freezing their employees. Ted: "Employee." They're only freezing one. For now.
    • Rose: I like Phil. Ted: Maybe you'll like him even more when he's frozen. Rose: I like him the temperature he is. Phil came to my birthday. It's wrong to freeze someone who came to your daughter's birthday.
    • Ted: Did you do your math homework? Rose: Yes. Ted: 6 x 8? Rose: Yes, that was one of them.
    • Dr. Bamba: I've never seen a man explode from the inside. A rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that's all.
    • Veronica: So this thing with Phil--making that stupid face and yelling--they think it's distracting. Ted: I guess in hindsight they shouldn't have vitrified his brains. Veronica: Look, I'm not going to play the blame game with you.
    • Veronica: I think you and I should have sex. If you want. Look at me. I'm so nervous I'm shaking like a leaf. Ted: No, no you're not. Veronica: No. Is that a problem? I try. It just doesn't come out. I guess that makes me... vulnerable. Ted: No, y-you're not vulnerable. Veronica: No.
    • Ted: Listen, Veronica, about firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything. Veronica: You're right. Wait until the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for Payroll.
    • Veronica: Did I surprise you? I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person. Linda: I didn't think you know my name. Veronica: Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling. Linda: "Zwordling." Veronica: Fine. You know your name better than I do. Yay.

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