Better Off Ted

Veronica: One of the executives takes his daughter to a game arcade, and when they win, they get tickets, which they trade in for prizes. Even though the prizes are worthless, the little girls work themselves into a psychotic frenzy trying to win them. Ted: So, we're replacing our department with psychotic little girls? Veronica: That was discussed. But instead we're going to reward hard work by giving people tickets. Ted: For worthless prizes? Veronica: You have an impressive handle on this.

Lem: What is it about us that invites ridicule? Phil: I don't know. We invent meat stuff, we're delightful, and yet no one respects us. Not even that cafeteria lady who with that hideous tongue birthmark that looks like a smaller and more hideous tongue.

Linda: Have some pudding. Ted: Umm. Better. Linda: My mom always says there's nothing in the world pudding can't cure. Except for my dad's obesity, which its made exponentially worse.

Chet: So with the board meeting this week, our former CEO, Arthur Wells, is in town. Veronica: Arthur Wells? That man is a legend. Wasn't he behind Veridian acquiring ownership of the African country of Chad, and then renaming it after his nephew Chad?

Phil: They cost 200 tickets. Ted only gave us 20 for our presentation on mining planetary resources. Even though we talked for 10 minutes about mining Uranus without giggling. Lem: (giggling) I know. You can't find hydrocarbons on a gas planet.

Veronica: Are you... petting me? Ted: I'm moving your hair out of your eyes. It's something I do for everybody. Veronica: My hair's in a bun. It can't get in my eyes. Unless you scalp me and throw the whole works back in my face.

Veronica: It's Arthur. There really were secret documents, but they turned out to be worthless, so now they're going to throw him off the board. Ted: But I thought you hated him. Veronica: I did. And then he grabbed me by the ankles and attacked me with a piece of wood, and everything changed. He's given his life to this place, Ted, just like I have. Man, I kicked him hard in the balls.

Veronica: Actually, before you move on Arthur, you should know that he found some documents. And If you vote him off the board, he'll expose the company's worse secret. That's right. I'm saying that. Chet: Wait a minute, he found out about the... thing? Veronica: Yes. He knows all about... the thing. Chet: Oh, God. If he knows about the thing, he must also know about the other thing, which would ruin the thing we all live on. Ted: Apparently so, sir. I think he even knows about... the stuff. Chet: That's okay, everybody knows about the stuff. But the thing, that's going to be a problem.

Phil: Here are 400 tickets. You can counterfeit 'em. It's easy. I mean, you can count 'em. It's easy. It's not easy to counterfeit them. It takes hours. I mean, it would have if did. Which we did... not do.
Lem: Hi, these tickets are real and we'd like two belt buckles.

Veronica: Well, when the company decides it's my time to go, I just hope somebody stands up for me. Ted: Well, don't worry. By then, the stuff will probably have gotten all of us. Veronica: Don't joke about the stuff, Ted. It can tell and it doesn't like it. Ted: This place is scary. Veronica: Really? I'm just getting comfortable with it.