Better Off Ted

Season 2 Episode 8

The Impertence of Communicationizing

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Jan 12, 2010 on ABC



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Ted: "Employees must now use offensive or insulting language in the workplace." This has to be a mistake. Why would the company want us to swear at each other?
      Veronica: Well, maybe they're trying to make the people at work seem more like a real family, Butt-Munch. Yeah this is going to be good.
      Linda: Like everything the company does to us, it's gotta be about money. Maybe when someone's called a "lazy sack of crap," they work harder so they can just be a "sack of crap."
      Ted: Oh, this is gonna be a problem. People here follow memos. Especially since that memo came out saying people have to follow memos.

    • Veronica: I was up against this man--Walter--who had the same last name as I do, although we pronounce it differently.
      Linda: There's another way to pronounce "Palmer"?
      Veronica: In his family, the "P" is silent. I think it's Dutch. It sounds like their stupid handiwork, with their cheese and their giant propeller buildings.
      Linda: So Walter... "Almer"?
      Veronica: I know. Those people are unbelievable.

    • Veronica: So this is guilt, huh? In the past, I've always just counteracted this feeling with other emotions, like sugar or drunk.

    • Veronica: I do hate this feeling. I hate it like I hate...
      Linda: Don't tell me. The Dutch.
      Veronica: I don't hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That's why I hold them to a higher standard.

    • Janet: The company doesn't make mistakes.
      Ted: What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?
      Janet: The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday--the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
      Ted: And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?
      Janet: That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.
      Ted: Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.

    • Lem: And so this new line of meals-ready-to eat gives the soldier in the field a portable meal with all the home-cooked flavor of something Mom used to chemically dehydrate and vacuum pack.

    • Veronica: Here, I brought you a cake. And a jar of herring. Maybe you can wait until I leave before you smear the cake with it.
      Walter: I'm not Dutch. And the Dutch don't smear herring on half the things you say they do.

    • Linda: Ted, a little chaos can be a good thing. My grandma met my grandma when a tornado blew her into his barn. He pulled the rake out of her chest and proposed on the spot.

    • Phil: We really should have been reading these memos.
      Lem: Damn! We didn't have to work on Thanksgiving!
      Phil: And look! Like I suspected, we were supposed to be wearing lead aprons when we were working on that genital x-ray project.

    • Phil: I'm terrible at insults. As a child, I was beaten up constantly. The best comeback I ever came up with was, "You're right. I'll work on that."
      Lem: I can help you, you sad jar of hobo urine.
      Phil: Pow! I've been Lem-basted.

    • Veronica: So I let him kiss me.
      Linda: Oh, my God!
      Veronica: But then I still felt guilty, so I let him feel me up.
      Linda: Oh, my...
      Veronica: I think I might need new breasts. These are covered in sadness.
      Ted: Wow. This is like the most depressing Penthouse letter ever.

    • (getting on an elevator)
      Debbie: Could you press 10 for me, you rat-face Nazi?
      Phil: Your breasts should be on display at the Swiss Museum of Miniatures. You said 10, right?

    • Linda: So not being controlling lasted for about one second?
      Ted: I'm sorry. The naggity-nag-nag bitchy-bitch is right. Anything anyone wants to say is fine with me.
      Linda: You heard the corporate chimp. Start making suggestions for meals-ready-to-eat before his head goes back up his butt.

    • Linda: Well, in my experience, scaring a man away is pretty easy. Basically, you're gonna want to put three words into heavy rotation--babies, future, and commitment.
      Veronica: Back off! I need my space! Wow, those words are powerful.

    • Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
      Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
      Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
      Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
      Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia--male, female, or animal--and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
      Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

    • Veronica: In fact, we need to talk about us. And the future of our babies and how they'll be committed.
      Walter: Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay.
      Veronica: I need this relationship to have a future because I need babies. That's right--big, screaming babies shooting out of my uterus, just stacking up like cordwood.
      Walter: Really?
      Veronica: Yes, sir. That's all I ever think about--the future, babies, and commitment. Future, babies, commitment. Future, babies, commitment. Commitment, commitment, commitment, commitment.

    • Ted: Now I've got to go find Phil and Lem and straighten out the MRE disaster.
      Veronica: Don't boo-hoo me. Did that MRE touch your boobies, Ted? Then shut the hell up.

    • Phil: Your eyes look like two beady rabbit pellets on the face of a monkey-licking pus-bomb.
      Lem: You've just been Phil-abusted.
      Phil: Nice!
      Lem: That's it--fill up your canker-blossomed hole, you ale-soused apple-john. That was the Elizabethan model.
      Phil: Ye have been served.

    • Janet: Well, if we call it a groundswell, I think the company would go for it. That way it gets to pat itself on the back for listening and being a great communicationer.
      Ted: You mean "communicator."
      Janet: That's not what it says in the handbook.

  • Notes

    • International Airdates:
      Latin America: May 3, 2010 on Canal FX
      Czech Republic: May 24, 2010 on Prima COOL
      UK: October 5, 2010 on FX
      Slovakia: April 7, 2013 on JOJ Plus

    • The episode premiered at a special 8:30/7:30 central time slot.

  • Allusions

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