Better Off Ted Season 1 Episode 10

Linda: You realize that if this project goes forward, all the aborigines in Australia will lose their sense of smell.
Ted: Which is why I'm going to kill it. That's just too high a price to pay for fabric softener.
Linda: If those aborigines were here, they'd smell a good man.

Veronica: Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In 3 out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
Ted: And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off?
Veronica: If by "laugh" you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes, they have a wonderful sense of humor.

Veronica: So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
Ted: But we didn't know it could happen.
Veronica: Good. That sounds very truthful.
Ted: Because we didn't know.
Veronica: That one wasn't as good.
Ted: But we didn't.
Veronica: There you go. That's the one.
Ted: Veronica!
Veronica: I'd leave my name out of it.

Ted: With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions. Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say... or how little to say.
Female Lawyer: Were you involved in the development of this product?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Veronica: Ouch.
Female Lawyer: Will you elaborate on that, please?
Veronica: No.
Female Lawyer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly.

Phil: When I took this job, I lied on my resume. I didn't attend MIT. I graduated from the University of Aruba. I wanted to be a big fish in a little pond. I played rugby. And I am proud of my years as a Syphilitic Conquistador. That was the team name. They wanted something the locals found frightening.

Voiceover: Veridian Dynamics. Mistakes. We all makes them. But sometimes mistakes lead to great discoveries. Mistakes are how we learn and grow... so we can do amazing things. When you think about it, shouldn't you be thanking us for making mistakes? Veridian Dynamics. We're sorry. You're welcome.

Linda: You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented--the ones that climb stairs.
Ted: You know, it was my idea to give them brakes. You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs.

Veronica: I like that hairstyle. It's very powerful. Would you mind if I wore my hair like that?
Linda: Of course not.
Veronica: Good. Then you can't anymore.

Linda: Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Ted: Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
Dr. Bhamba: I'm incompetent and a liar. I don't get a hello?

Lem: You went to the University of Aruba?
Phil: Where knowledge is king and clothing is optional.

Lem: How can I trust you now? I bet you weren't even rescued in Montana by Harrison Ford.
Phil: No, that is true, I swear. I woke up next to a campfire with Indiana Jones making me bacon.

Lem: MIT was the best--the academic clubs, the dorms, the guys, the girl...

Veronica: We can't let the CEO take the blame, and you're the one who blabbed.
Linda: But I'm the only one who did the right thing.
Veronica: Well, you know what we call that? Irony.

Dr. Bhamba: This is all my fault. I knew there was a problem with the pasta sauce, but I did not notify my superior,s because, well, I'm a drug addict. My goodness, how I love the drugs. I would take them in my house. I would take them with a mouse.
Veronica: With a mouse, people. Now that's rock bottom.

Linda: Look at this place, Ted. They freeze an employee. They weaponize pumpkins. They took an innocent panda and turned it into an assassin.

Ted: Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals, and turning her into an ideal compromiser. And I don't mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.
Veronica: I understand context, Ted.
Ted: She was our conscience. So now what are we gonna do?
Veronica: Gosh, you're right. How will we ever make the Fortune 500 list of the most moral companies? Oh wait, they don't have that.

Phil: So I've been thinking about our past, and how I chummed the waters of our friendship with fish guts of dishonesty.
Lem: And I've been thinking about how the shark of my loyalty gorged on the deceitful entrails of your bloody lies.
Phil: So we both saw that shark special last night.