Linda: I made cookies!
Lem: You made cookies an hour ago.
Linda: Eat it!
Linda: Hey fellows. Look what I got: A baby! I'm naming her Ted.
Lem: (to Phil) This is exactly the type of thing the other Ted wanted us to prevent.
Phil: I win! This is the most fun anyone has ever had with hypodermic needles.
Lem: It's not over yet. It's still wobbling. And it can't come out for at least a minute. Same rules as for losing your virginity.
Ted: My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland.
Lem: Ted knows everything we do.
Phil: He's like a god. Only it hurts more when he judges us.
Lem: Here's a Band-Aid. And there's your lady shoulder.
Linda: Just bring the specs to my desk. I'll be the one hoping I never hear the term "lady shoulder" ever again.
Phil: Wait. i thought we used the last of the Band-Aids when you wanted to see what I'd look like with a mustache.
Phil: We should tell her.
Lem: Or we don't tell her so she doesn't get mad at us again.
Phil: I like where this is going.
Lem: We're going. That's it. It went.
Ted: We're working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people. The problem is...
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins.
Veronica: Come on, the general respects you, Ted--your experience, your charm, the whole package. Oh, and your package.
Veronica: What if I were to help you sell your daughter's precious toilet paper?
Ted: It's wrapping paper.
Veronica: It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Competition--whether it's animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products--pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.
Ted: Wait. You don't think competing all-out against a girl who's disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what's wrong? I'm not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She's no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you're not supposed to really do that. You're just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it's okay.
Ted: No I don't. But it is, right?
Phil: Hey, Linda. What's wrong?
Linda: The Jewish people have had such a tumultuous history, and yet they were still able to give us this? The everything bagel--it's all you'd ever want in one bagel. I love it... and the chosen people who created it.
Lem: Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch?
Phil: Hard to tell. This is the problem when the company will only pay for testing on drunk frat guys.
Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and...
Veronica: I'm Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think...
Veronica: I'm Batman and Robin.
Lem: You know how when you accidentally dose someone, like with an experimental energy patch, and you hope they'll sit quietly at their desks, but instead they wander around unnecessarily drawing attention to themselves? We've done something eerily similar to that.
Ted: Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey's gonna be wearing your ears on his head. Oh, wait. That's a horrifying image.
Ted: We'll let Cynthia win. Come on. Mickey will wear her ears.
Rose: Thank you, Daddy. Could I sleep with the lights on tonight?
Ted: It was the ear thing, wasn't it?
Rose: Little bit.
Phil: Linda, you can't hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it's morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em.
Veronica: You're soft and weak, Ted. Like a geisha.
Ted: But I know I could beat Veronica. At the company picnic, I beat her in a three-legged race. Although we both lost to something Phil and Lem created in the lab.
Ted: You stole a baby?
Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Ted: Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized.
Veronica: I've put Rose so far ahead there's no way anyone can catch her. Although, there's a 3% chance she could end up in jail.
Ted: Fine, you win.
Veronica: I like when that happens, and it happens a lot.
General McMillan: A body like a young Mark Spitz.
Ted: Well, thank you, General. I can't hear that enough. Although, five times is getting pretty close.
Ted: I sold more wrapping paper than you.
Veronica: That's not what we were competing over.
Ted: It was one of the things we were competing over.
Veronica: You're so competitive, it's sick.
Ted: Not as sick as you.
Veronica: That's right. I win... again.
Linda: No, I can't be a chicken lady. I have so much I want to do in my life. I want to get married and have children and glue feathers to my back to mess with idiot scientists who are careless with experimental drugs.
Phil: You can still do all those things! Oh, wait.
Latin America: October 12, 2009 on Canal FX
Czech Republic: April 26, 2010 on Prima COOL
United Kingdom: August 10, 2010 on FX
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