There are few shows I enjoy more than Big Brother. I've been watching since the beginning, which is more than half of my life, and it's a big part of my summer each year. But don't get it twisted: This show is so dumb. Or, rather, the people on the show are so dumb. The casting department knows what it's doing, and it takes the "right" kind of person to want to be locked in an Twitter-less, TV-less and TV.com-less world for three months.
So while it's worth pointing out that this season's two big twists (that three houseguests will be nominated each week, and that one of them will be selected by a secret MVP voted on by fans) will actually make the game more interesting for the first time in a few seasons without bringing back former players, any sort of traditional recap or review of an episode that mostly featured people saying really unintentionally hilarious things isn't totally worth it.
But you know what is worth it? Reveling in those unintentionally hilarious things. Here are some of my favorite "statements" from the premiere. Apologies to the houseguests who aren't quoted—either the producers didn't give you any screen time, which always happens, or you almost seem like a functional adult. And of course there were more gems beyond what I've included here; please share your own favorites in the comments.
"I don't even own a pair of overalls." —Spencer, this year's hillbilly and/or Bearded White Guy representative, in describing how he is not, in fact, a hillbilly. However, Spencer does have a mustache, and there's a mustache room this season; it's total kismet.
"I like to look at myself in the mirror and hold my pec to see how hard it is." —David, in what will be the first of many appearances in this space for him. Weirdly, I know exactly what he's talking about here.
"I don't aspire to anything other than being the best pizza deliveryman ever." —McCrae, echoing the sentiments of millions. I want McCrae to speak at every university commencement from now until the end of time.
"I really embrace my Cherokee side." —Jeremy, your bro who lives on a 25-foot boat and is like 23 percent Cherokee. He was first shown hanging out shirtless with his buddies (who were also shirtless), and was later referred to as Jacob from Twilight, but his almost-certainly racist calls actually recall another famous "Native American" male: WWF's Tatanka.
"My secret weapon is a vision board of all the former Big Brother winners." —Elissa, sister of Big Brother sweetheart and Villain of the Human Race, Rachel Reily. First of all, shame on BB for dipping back into this gene pool. Second of all, that's one of the worst vision boards I've ever seen. I know there are no wrong "artistic expressions" of "dreams" or whatever, but ew girl no.
"I just bought these hats." —McCrae, zen. Can I pre-order his book?
"I'm an alpha." —Spencer, who really wants us to know the things he is and is not.
"I don't know where I'm going, which usually isn't a problem on a 25-foot boat." —Jeremy. Do you think he literally only stays on the 25-foot boat? Why would you constantly tell everybody that you live on a boat? Is this one long con to draw eyes to a Craigslist ad in which he's selling his 25-foot boat?
"...or should I be bro-bro with the guys?" —David, in discussing his bed-selection strategy. He considered moving in on one of the 81 female cast members who appear to be his type, but I hope he goes the bro-bro route. I want to go bro-bro right now.
"And these are real." —GinaMarie, grabbing her breasts, apropos of nothing. GinaMarie (the name alone), in a house full of horrible, annoying, loud people, is the most horrible, annoying, and loudest. Twenty minutes in and all the other horrible people already hated her; that's some upper-level obnoxious game. She's so bad she made the other girl from Staten Island cower.
"I'm not gay, but if I was, I'd tear him apart." —McCrae, accurately describing Howard's chiseled physique. If you're currently wondering whether this episode was mostly about everyone talking about how they want to have some form of intercourse with everyone else, the answer is yes, yes it was.
"I'm feeling you two right now." —Jessie, during her "strategy" session with Jeremy and David. Jessie went on to discuss how great it was to be in "the most attractive alliance" ever or whatever, which was only the 34th time she mentioned physical attractiveness in this episode. Jessie is unemployed, by the way.
"It's called Popsicle Factory, and here's how it works." —Julie Chen, explaining the first Head of Household challenge of the season. I love Jeff Probst and his desire to stand up for the integrity of Survivor and cool-dad stuff like EFFORT and TOUGHNESS, but Julie Chen is the best reality TV host out there because she utters sentences like this, multiple times a week, and only sort of emotes along the way.
"Never in my life have I wanted to be a popsicle so bad." —Jeremy, after watching Jessie dry-hump the life out of an inflated popsicle. During this little sequence, I felt like I was watching a really weird mating ritual that I absolutely did not want to ever be part of. The microphone helped Jessie's... uh... rhythms sound horrifying.
"If all these competitions are gonna be messin' up my hair, I don't know. [PAUSE] I don't know." —David, after being soaked and gooped and violated in ways only Big Brother can manage. The good news for my bro David is that the challenges won't mess up his pecs, or his ability to see how hard they are.
"Girls don't like me," or "I don't get along with other girls," or "Girls are going to come after me." —Like four of the women, absolutely not full of themselves or holding problematic views of their fellow ladies. Look, I get it; women can get jealous of one another. But this house is full of ladies who completely lack self-awareness or humility, which of course means I'd hate them in real life but cannot wait to watch them on this show.
"So yeah. [REALLY SHOCKINGLY LONG PAUSE] So yeah." —David. Welcome to Big Brother 15 guys!
What stood out the most to you about Big Brother's Season 15 premiere? Who's your favorite contestant so far?