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There are few shows I enjoy more than Big Brother. I've been watching since the beginning, which is more than half of my life, and it's a big part of my summer each year. But don't get it twisted: This show is so dumb. Or, rather, the people on the show are so dumb. The casting department knows what it's doing, and it takes the "right" kind of person to want to be locked in an Twitter-less, TV-less and TV.com-less world for three months.

So while it's worth pointing out that this season's two big twists (that three houseguests will be nominated each week, and that one of them will be selected by a secret MVP voted on by fans) will actually make the game more interesting for the first time in a few seasons without bringing back former players, any sort of traditional recap or review of an episode that mostly featured people saying really unintentionally hilarious things isn't totally worth it. 

But you know what is worth it? Reveling in those unintentionally hilarious things. Here are some of my favorite "statements" from the premiere. Apologies to the houseguests who aren't quoted—either the producers didn't give you any screen time, which always happens, or you almost seem like a functional adult. And of course there were more gems beyond what I've included here; please share your own favorites in the comments.


"I don't even own a pair of overalls." —Spencer, this year's hillbilly and/or Bearded White Guy representative, in describing how he is not, in fact, a hillbilly. However, Spencer does have a mustache, and there's a mustache room this season; it's total kismet. 


"I like to look at myself in the mirror and hold my pec to see how hard it is." —David, in what will be the first of many appearances in this space for him. Weirdly, I know exactly what he's talking about here. 



"I don't aspire to anything other than being the best pizza deliveryman ever." —McCrae, echoing the sentiments of millions. I want McCrae to speak at every university commencement from now until the end of time.


"I really embrace my Cherokee side." —Jeremy, your bro who lives on a 25-foot boat and is like 23 percent Cherokee. He was first shown hanging out shirtless with his buddies (who were also shirtless), and was later referred to as Jacob from Twilight, but his almost-certainly racist calls actually recall another famous "Native American" male: WWF's Tatanka.


"My secret weapon is a vision board of all the former Big Brother winners." —Elissa, sister of Big Brother sweetheart and Villain of the Human Race, Rachel Reily. First of all, shame on BB for dipping back into this gene pool. Second of all, that's one of the worst vision boards I've ever seen. I know there are no wrong "artistic expressions" of "dreams" or whatever, but ew girl no. 



"I just bought these hats." —McCrae, zen. Can I pre-order his book?



"I'm an alpha." —Spencer, who really wants us to know the things he is and is not. 



"I don't know where I'm going, which usually isn't a problem on a 25-foot boat." —Jeremy. Do you think he literally only stays on the 25-foot boat? Why would you constantly tell everybody that you live on a boat? Is this one long con to draw eyes to a Craigslist ad in which he's selling his 25-foot boat?



"...or should I be bro-bro with the guys?" —David, in discussing his bed-selection strategy. He considered moving in on one of the 81 female cast members who appear to be his type, but I hope he goes the bro-bro route. I want to go bro-bro right now. 


"And these are real." —GinaMarie, grabbing her breasts, apropos of nothing. GinaMarie (the name alone), in a house full of horrible, annoying, loud people, is the most horrible, annoying, and loudest. Twenty minutes in and all the other horrible people already hated her; that's some upper-level obnoxious game. She's so bad she made the other girl from Staten Island cower. 



"I'm not gay, but if I was, I'd tear him apart." —McCrae, accurately describing Howard's chiseled physique. If you're currently wondering whether this episode was mostly about everyone talking about how they want to have some form of intercourse with everyone else, the answer is yes, yes it was.


"I'm feeling you two right now." —Jessie, during her "strategy" session with Jeremy and David. Jessie went on to discuss how great it was to be in "the most attractive alliance" ever or whatever, which was only the 34th time she mentioned physical attractiveness in this episode. Jessie is unemployed, by the way.



"It's called Popsicle Factory, and here's how it works." —Julie Chen, explaining the first Head of Household challenge of the season. I love Jeff Probst and his desire to stand up for the integrity of Survivor and cool-dad stuff like EFFORT and TOUGHNESS, but Julie Chen is the best reality TV host out there because she utters sentences like this, multiple times a week, and only sort of emotes along the way. 



"Never in my life have I wanted to be a popsicle so bad." —Jeremy, after watching Jessie dry-hump the life out of an inflated popsicle. During this little sequence, I felt like I was watching a really weird mating ritual that I absolutely did not want to ever be part of. The microphone helped Jessie's... uh... rhythms sound horrifying. 



"If all these competitions are gonna be messin' up my hair, I don't know. [PAUSE] I don't know." —David, after being soaked and gooped and violated in ways only Big Brother can manage. The good news for my bro David is that the challenges won't mess up his pecs, or his ability to see how hard they are. 


"Girls don't like me," or "I don't get along with other girls," or "Girls are going to come after me." —Like four of the women, absolutely not full of themselves or holding problematic views of their fellow ladies. Look, I get it; women can get jealous of one another. But this house is full of ladies who completely lack self-awareness or humility, which of course means I'd hate them in real life but cannot wait to watch them on this show.



"So yeah. [REALLY SHOCKINGLY LONG PAUSE] So yeah." —David. Welcome to Big Brother 15 guys!


What stood out the most to you about Big Brother's Season 15 premiere? Who's your favorite contestant so far?

Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 7/22/2016

Season 18 : Episode 15

Next Episode

TONIGHT AT 8PM

Season 18 : Episode 16

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"...and I was totally frickin' dazed and confuseded" That is not a typo. Thank you, Lifeguard David.
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I loved Survivor been watching it since season 1 and never missed an episode. However, I always imagine Big brother to be a very poor cousin. I loathe at consultants having it nice in a warm house to earn half the money instead of roughing it out to earn a million. So I held out for almost 10 seasons but I watch it accidentally one summer and I was hooked and last season was really good so now I been eagerly awaiting this season.

Because of more food and sleep and basically not much to do most of the time, I guess these people have more time to think of strategy than their survivor counterparts. Survivor is still number 1 for me but now BB is close 2nd. Its a guilty pleasure.

Basically there are many this season that I loved to hate.David is so self absorbed he probably get kick out very soon. Gina Marie is the Rachel this season, so irritating and yet Elissa seems nothing like the sister. Looks like a very stable girl and perhaps yoga helps.

No Ian kind of underdog to root for this season,maybe the pizza guy but he seems physically very strong. We always need an underdog to root for. This season cast all seems physically strong.

From the first episode, I only like the college girl with the name starting with A. Usually this type of show, you really need to like a few consultants to continue watching. Well, perhaps we have more time to know a few more of them next few episodes.


More+
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Big Brother is the "good" bad reality TV show. By that, I mean, It's so bad it's good. It's basically an hour long episode of the soup without Joel McHale's commentary. I watched last year because a local kid, Ian, was on the show. This year I'm watching because I enjoy a good laugh.

The only thing that actually did turn me off was that every alliance seemed to be built around being pretty. Plus the idiocy of starting an alliance when you've been in the house just long enough to take a dump on camera.
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As I read this, all I keep thinking is: 70's Owen Wilson (David), wannabe Brandon Hantz (Jeremy) and female Daniel Radcliffe (McCrae).
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You posted a picture of Candice for the second to last one but it was actually Jessie, the average looking girl who is convinced she is fabulous, who said the quote. Please change the picture so no one has the wrong idea.

That being said your hilarious commentary is spot on.
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Staff
A few girls made comments about other ladies not liking them, but Candice wasn't one of them for sure. I'm guessing the editors just wanted to mix up the photos since a few people were dominating the quotes.

Thanks though!
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LMAO !!! ty Cory ^^
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Usually I just watch the Australian Big Brother, that is pretty easy going and completely different to this one. What the hell is going on with the alliances? They just know the name of the other inmates nothing more and immediately start alliances.
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Most Ridiculous is the way crap like this is allowed on air. I know we need a laugh now and then but for me when I see something like this what comes to mind is culling : "Something picked out from others, especially something rejected because of inferior quality."
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"I was worried I was the dumbest guy in the house, then THIS guy starts talking!"- Judd talking about David. I can't get over how genuinely excited he was when he realized there's a bigger idiot than him in the house haha
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Right on. By both you and Judd. Thought I'd hate Judd, then he said that.
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crazy white people.....
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Are you sure you weren't watching Cops? (Cops has always proven that America leads the world in Shirtless White Guys.)
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Don't forget barefoot guys
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I don't even watch this show... I will read these every week if you keep posting them!! Hilarious!
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Staff
aw thanks
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They found a real version of 'Philip J. Fry' and no one believes he is actually a delivery boy! On top of that they found a really stupid version of Roger Daltrey. This could be a fun cast. I really want McRae to be around for a while, kid is hilarious. Hope he finds his Leela. Dumb dumb dumb dumb cast is always the best. I think Showtime made a bad decision this season giving up AfterDark.
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Ya! Its on TVGN?!? bleh
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Staff
I couldn't agree more. The bleep out the cursing!
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Yea kinda negates the purpose of being titled AFTER DARK! Its hard to watch now with every other word being cut out. And they cut down the length! what are they gonna be playing after 2 am? more infomercials? Gotta make sure those get airtime....
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Nothing will ever beat the season that introduced Evil Dick Donato. He made himself a crude disgusting star on After Dark. He was always playing to the audience and it was fantastic. I just found a story that the move is because CBS bought a 50% interest in the TV Guide Network so it'll probably be running ads for CBS shows all summer long. Bleh is right.
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Staff
Cory, I was expecting a very in-dept neoliberal critique of Big Brother. This is disappoint.
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I am disappoint in your grammar and spelling.
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DAVID IS HILARIOUS! Instant favorite!!! His hair alone should have a twitter account...
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I was all ready to flame you for watching this crap, but you me made me laugh so much, now I just can't. If this was a real scripted show I would accuse them of being way over the top, but I'd be wrong, wouldn't I? Okay, okay, I see why you watch and I heartily approve. Now you can sleep better knowing that ;-)
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That picture of the Big Brother contestants proves one thing: no ugly people allowed on TV!
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Staff
I actually think the show has a really warped (i.e. plastic, blonde, etc.) version of attractiveness. The women this year make me kind of uncomfortable.
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Well, that's not actually true. My wife is constantly asking, "Now why did that person think they could be a success at acting?" They need ugly people too. My question is, does their script call them things like Really, really fat lady, or Retard, or Really ugly guy, when they aren't assigned a name but have a few lines of dialog? I love it that on Mike & Molly's honeymoon they suggested that these two would actually fit in a first class airplane seat. "Excuse me, do you have some kind of couch we could use?"
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Also I like how they thought McCrea was lying about being a pizza delivery guy and was trying to downplay his genius or whatever. Can someone explain to me who Rachel Reily is and why it's such a big deal Elissa is her sister?
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Rachel was the most annoying contestant ever, with the most obnoxious laugh! I think people are just afraid of her being similar, but she seems a little more mature. NOT MUCH, but its there...
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I only clicked to see where the BBB (Blonde with Big Breasts) would lead.
Leaving now...
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Staff
We got your click anyway, muahhaha
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I haven't watching in like 10 seasons but decided to give this one a shot because I caught it at the beginning and it's been a slow summer! Was not disappointed!
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Love Big Brother! And love love this article! Totally encompassed why this show is my guilty pleasure! Best line of the night though was from (surprise!)..DAVID.
I don't remember the exact line but when talking about Aryn(?)(The blonde Texan) he stated,"Yea, I could tell she was my type right off the back!" (awkward pause) Then he threw in a hair toss to cover up his stupidity.
No one is fooled sir...
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Staff
OH MY GOD YES SHIT. He totally did say RIGHT OFF THE BACK.
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Amazing.
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Ya know, I'm sorry I missed that one...
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