Black Books Season 1 Episode 1

Bernard: (on Fran being birth partner to pregnant friend) Yuck. That's going to be intense, a lot of blood, a lot of shouting, and urm...
Fran: Oh, no no no, I'll just get drunk. In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk, it'll be just like the old days.

Bernard: (waking up) What time is it?
Manny: Half ten.
Bernard: Half ten? Half ten?! I've never been up at half ten! What happens?!

Fran: Bernard? Finished with your accounts?
Bernard: Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Manny: (reading from The Little Book Of Calm} Let let let let... let go once in a while, you're a loose lily floating down an amber river. Ahhh.

(Bernard is checking the price of a book for a customer)
Bernard: We've got a special offer on this one.
Posh Customer: Really?
Bernard: Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
Posh Customer: Fair enough!
Bernard: Great! I'll just get the hobbling post.
Posh Customer: Wait! I've read this one. That's the problem with Wodehouse…
Bernard: Yes, it's terrible, now hurry up and break my legs.

Manny: Well, I could do your accounts.
Bernard: What?
Manny: I'm an accountant - well, was an accountant. It's the least I could do.
Bernard: You mean you could do more?
Manny: Well, yes.
Bernard: Could I have a glass of wine?
Manny: Yeah, sure.
Bernard: And a ham sandwich?
Manny: If you like.
Bernard: (Excitedly) With pickle?!
Manny: Alright.

Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Manny: Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Bianco, there's been a bit of a problem. We went in to remove the book and, to put it in medical terms, it's gone. Or, to put it another way, it's not there. I don't know how this could have happened, the only logical explanation is that you've somehow assimilated it into your system, which is, of course, impossible.
(Manny is sitting up in bed, supernaturally calm, with a halo of light surrounding him and a beatifically peaceful expression on his face)
Doctor: How do you feel?
Manny: Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
Doctor: I'm sorry?
Manny: If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Doctor: Um, maybe I should let you get some rest...
Manny: When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Doctor: ...Yes.

Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says... (Holding the X-Ray up to the light) ..."Whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island".

Doctor: Well I'm afraid it's bad news Mr. Bianco. The Little Book Of Calm has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimeter or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...
Manny: (Interrupting) Oh my God! Oh, sorry.
Doctor: ...during that time.

Jehovah's Witness #1: Well, to be honest... we've never actually thought this far ahead. (Looks around) It sure is nice... indoors.
Bernard: So, so what's your favourite story about Jesus?
(Pause. The two Jehovah's Witnesses think very hard)
Jehovah's Witness #1: Oh yes! The one where Jesus rescues the Samaritan.
Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about a Samaritan who rescues someone else.
Jehovah's Witness #1: (Surprised) Really?

Bernard: 'If you live in a council flat... beside a river... but are not blind...' - WHAT?!?! ...'What is your mother's maiden name'? What's her first name?! I just knew her as 'Ma'! Ma. That'll have to do.
writes it down
Bernard: 'Ma... Possibly deceased'.

Bernard: Yeah, I'll give it a go. I'm sure I'll muddle through.
(Sudden cut to much later, as he's actually trying to do them:)
Bernard: What?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!?!

Bernard: I'm not doing my accounts.
Fran: Why not?
Bernard: Because you can stick it up your arse.

[On being asked to explain his 'filing system' to his accountant]
Bernard: (Pulling screwed up paper out of his jacket pockets) This is March to... oobely-boo, this is misc, and this is, other.
Nick: Other? Other what, what does other cover? Other weeks, other years?
Bernard: Other... times. that's it. This is this week, very recent, and all... other times.
Nick: What do you mean, other times?
Bernard: I don't know, Nick, I'm not... (long pause) ...Wonder Woman!
Nick: This new system, it's modeled quite closely on the old system isn't it?
Bernard: Oh, I'd go further than that, Nick. I'd say they're exactly the same.

(After Manny has left the bookshop)
Bernard: What a strange man.
(Bernard picks up a megaphone and proceeds to shout through it)
Bernard: Right, the shop is closed, everybody get out.
Old Woman: What?
Bernard: Sorry, we're closed. Get out.
Old Woman: But it's only quarter to three!
(Bernard picks up a broom and starts shooing people away with it)
Bernard: Come on, out out out.
Refined Customer: (Standing up to Bernard) You know, I expect better service -
Bernard: Well, expect away. Come on, you time-wasting bastards, back on the streets, out out out, back to life, back to reality, thank you.
(He kicks the door shut on them.)

(Fran looking at indeterminate object in her shop).
Fran: I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

Jehovah's Witness: Hello, we'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: GREAT! Come in. I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to these days?

Manny: (to woman giving birth) When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

Customer: Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They're real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

Bernard: (addressing skinheads) Which one of you bitches wants to dance?