Black Books

In this first episode of Black Books we meet Bernard from the get-go. We get a real feel for the character as a customer offers him £200 for a set of books, which he point blank refuses, while making a joke. The next person to speak to Bernard is Manny, the shop's future assistant. Manny asks for, or rather demands, The Little Book of Calm. After getting his book and calming himself down, he leaves the shop. Bernard then, with a megaphone, removes everyone from his book shop, Black Books, in order to visit his accountant, Nick. We then meet Bernard's only friend, Fran. He asks her to watch the shop while he is out visiting his accountant. Fran informs Bernard that she is going to be her friend Julie's birth-partner on Wednesday. Bernard then visits his accountant. Now at his accountant's, he is asked by Nick to show him his "New" filing system. This "new" filing system is just random receipts stuffed into Bernard's pockets. Nick remarks that the new system is very much based on the old system. Nick then gets raided, and is chased out of his window, escaping, by the police. Next we see Manny, the Black Books customer, at his work. He is an accountant, but doesn't seem to work so much, as we see a lot of backlogged files on his desk. At his desk, Manny is drinking soup from a cup; extra chunky. Manny's job must be very stressful for him, as he relies on the Little Book of Calm to cool him down after his boss orders him to get some work done. As his boss comes back in, asking for Friday's Invoices, Manny accidentally knocks the Little Book of Calm into the cup of soup, but doesn't notice. He stands, and takes a massive drink from the cup, lodging the Little Book of Calm in his throat and choking. As Bernard returns home, Fran is questioning a customer on a strange object which she sells from her store, Nifty Gifty. They have no idea what the item does. Bernard returns, distraught that his accountant is a fugitive, meaning that he will have to do his own taxes. Time skips, and we see an extraordinarily stressed and furious Bernard as he attempts to answer the taxes questionnaire. Time skips again, and we see Bernard avoiding the accounts by rolling all his socks into pairs, he does this and returns to his accounts. In order to avoid the accounts, he then calls his mother. This call lasts for around 13 seconds, and he goes back to the taxes. There comes a knock at Bernard's door; Jehovah's Witnesses, spreading the word. He invites them in, to avoid the taxes. They are extremely taken aback, as generally people don't allow them inside. They appear scared, but not of Bernard, but just because of the fact they were allowed in. They then chat about Jesus for a few minutes, and give Bernard books and magazines on Jesus. The scene changes, and we see Manny lying in a hospital bed. Manny's doctor, played by Martin Freeman, informs Manny that he has bad news. The Little Book of Calm is lodged between the small intestines and the pancreas, and that if it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, he will be dead in seconds. That's the worst case scenario, the best scenario is that Manny will die within a year. The scene changes again, and we see the two Jehovah's Witnesses leaving Bernard's shop, all three of them slightly drunk with wine in hand. And Bernard is left with the daunting task of doing his taxes; again. Time skips, and it's morning. Fran enters the shop carrying her mysterious new stock item, and Bernard shows her that instead of doing the taxes, he has turned them into: "A rather smart casual jacket". He asks Fran to help him, but she won't. She has to focus her attention on her friend Julie. The scene changes, and we see Manny in the hospital again, his doctor informing him that there have been "complications". Apparently, the book has disappeared. He says the only way it could have happened is if Manny's system absorbed the Little Book of Calm into his system overnight. The camera swings, and we see an enlightened and prosaic Manny sitting upright in bed, spouting calming metaphors, making it obvious that the book has in fact been assimilated into his system. We now see Bernard, reading over his tax papers. He finds a loophole: "...persons suffering from short or long term injury may defer their taxes...". He then decides that to avoid doing his taxes, he will cripple himself. He then attempts to persuade customers to injure him. Next we see the hospital, with Manny leaving. On the tannoy we hear: "Would the birth partner of Julie Williams please report to Birthing Room 1". This means that Fran has missed or is going to be very late, as she is so engrossed on discovering the function of the mysterious item she is selling in her shop. Manny walks down the halls, saying calming metaphors to passing patients and animals, inducing a calming effect. The scene changes to Bernard's shop, with Bernard attempting to hammer a nail through his own hand; unsuccessfully. Fran suddenly remembers about Julie, and dashes off, bumping into Manny outside of Black Books. Manny is then hassled by skinheads sitting across the street, who then proceed to beat him up. Bernard then steps in front of them, and proceeds to insult them profusely, hoping they will beat him so severely that he will be allowed a deferrence on his taxes. They knock him out. Manny escorts a bleeding Bernard into his shop, thanking him for saving him from the bullies. Manny then tells Bernard he can do his accounts for him. A friendship is born. As Bernard attempts to light a cigarette, Manny picks up Fran's mystery item, presses a switch and a flame pops out, lighting Bernard's cigarette.