Black Books

(picking up bits of the disgusting breakfast Manny made him) Bernard: Up with this I will not put!

Bernard: I've had enough of this, enough, I'm going out. (begins to leave) Fran: (drunk) Oh go on, go on, I'll mind the shop for you. I can be both of you, look: (imitating Manny) Bernard, Bernard, it's not fair! Bernard, here's your tea. Oh Bernard, Bernard can I have my pocket money. (imitating Bernard with a heavy Irish accent) Oh Manny, for the last time, shut up, mother o' god I think I'm gonna kill ya! (Fran laughs maniacally) Manny: Now that is mad. (Fran burps, and continues to laugh harder)

Fran: (smoking a cigarette) What are you all looking at? Oh, I cracked, didn't I? She was going on about how I had to give up milk and peas and god know's what. I mean, what's wrong with ****ing peas?! So I told her she could stuff it up her chakras!

Fran: If I was any more relaxed, you could pour me into a bowl.

Bernard: The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.

Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something, they give something away? Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Eva: (in a very pitying and sweet tone) Fran.. we're going to have to fix you. Your chakras will be all clogged.

Bernard: Oh, listen to you! You're becoming one of them! You're going over to the other side, to the land of sandals, spoon-benders, and yoghurt-fanciers. Where everyone farts all the time because they don't know how to laugh.

Bernard: What were those funny coloured things? Manny: Vegetables. Bernard: You know I'm allergic to those things, you are trying to kill me!

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted. Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, maybe we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. We would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So...hop it.

Fran: Everyone should meditate Bernard: Oh, let's. Then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins that live in the fridge.

Bernard: Where have you been!? Manny: (looks around calmly) Are you talking to me? Bernard: You look different. Did they put you on steroids?! Manny: What are you talking about you silly little man?

Manny: I'm normal. Bernard: Normal? What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg and then divides them into rank? Manny: It's just a bit of fun. Bernard: Oh? So you won't mind if I eat this one then? Manny: Don't touch the Colonel! ...It'll upset the rest of the men.

Bernard: What did you say? Manny: I said 'no that'. Bernard: You said 'no DAD'! There you go, projecting again. Manny: I wish I'd never bought those stupid books. I'm not projecting. Bernard: I've never seen such projecting. It's in CinemaScope with Dolby surround!

Bernard: (reading from Freud) 'The Psychopathology of the Inverted Sociopath'... It's all about him! (referring to Manny)

Fran: (into phone) Yep, I'm coming, yep, yep, I'm coming, yeah, I know, I'm coming, all right?! (hangs up and yells at phone) Pain in the arse!! Manny: Where are you off to? Fran: (calmly) I'm going to yoga.

Bernard: (to Manny) Oy, Thor, get on with it!

Bernard: It's not my fault I look like this. You haven't washed my things. Manny: Ah, we can't blame others for our appearance now can we? Bernard: No no no, but but... Manny: I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes.

(Manny hands Bernard a tea-towel) Bernard: What's this for? (Manny throws a glass of water in Bernard's face) Bernard: (almost crying) Why did you do that? Manny: So you could use the towel.

Fran: (talking to Bernard about about him and Manny) You know, if the two of you could do something relaxing together, this place wouldn't be so tense. Bernard: What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you? Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze. Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran: Yep... Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think... Fran: Yep... Bernard: ... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."