Black Books

(Bernard and Manny are in the pub talking about a job for Manny) Bernard: Ok here it is. I like you a lot... Gerald... Samantha... Manny: Manny. Bernard: That's the one. I like you a lot.. Manny: Thanks a lot. You're not so bad yourself. Bernard: (very sharply) Don't touch my arm. And now.. (puzzled) Where have you gone? Manny: I'm here. You're looking at me. Bernard: Alright. So what do you want? Manny: You mentioned something about a job. Bernard: What do I have to do? Manny: In the bookshop. Bernard: (with a shout of delight) But I already work in a bookshop! (with a curious smile) Do you have anything in an aquarium?

Bernard: Manny, let's talk about how this trial day went. Manny: Well, I think it went quite well. Bernard: You sold a lot of books. And got on quite well with the customers. Manny: (Pleased) Yes! Bernard: I'm going to have to let you go. Manny: (Shocked) But... I sold a lot of books! I got on well with the customers! Bernard: It's not that kind of operation.

Manny: (As businessman enters store) I bet I can recommend and sell a book to this bloke here. Bernard: Tenner. Manny: You're on. (Manny approaches businessman customer) Manny: Hello... Businessman: (Bellowing) Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!! Manny: (To Bernard) Best of three?

Manny: So, grew up in London, saw a lot of army bases... Fran: Ah, your father was in the army? Manny: No, just coincidence.

Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself. Manny: Well, I was born in London... Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.

Bernard: (to Manny) You there, Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.

Fran: (talking about Manny) He'd be good for the shop, you need someone normal around here. Bernard: Normal? If he's normal, what am I then? Fran: Well, you're a freak Bernard, you know that. Bernard: Yes! I know. BUT I HAVE RIGHTS!

Manny: Yeah you'd have to [...] get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here. Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around. Manny: And seal the floors, stop that rising smell, and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes? Bernard: What of it? Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea.

Bernard: Sorry, could we do this some other time when I'm not here?

Bernard: What did you order? Manny: Uh... Lager Bernard: Right. I got you a Creme de Menthe

Bernard: Where's all the books? Manny: What? Bernard: Where's all the books? Manny: Oh, I've sold them. Bernard: Oh, JESUS. You know what that means?! It means I have to go and ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly BORING and COMPLICATED that is. Bernard: (On the phone) Hello? Is this the place where you order books from when you want to sell them from your book shop?

Bernard: Wait! What time is it?! Manny: Uh... Half ten. Bernard: HALF TEN?! HALF TEN?! I've never been up at half ten! What happens?!

Bernard: (on customers) What do they want from me? Why can't they just leave me alone? What do they WANT from me? Manny: Well, they want to buy books... Bernard: Yeah, but why me, why do they come to me? Manny: Because you sell books... Bernard: Yeah... I know... but...