Black Books

(Manny squints in great pain, then answers his mobile for a moment) Bernard: (interested) What's that Ow Ow Ow? Manny: I used to work a lot with a mobile and it must have done something to me 'cause now just before my phone rings, I get this very sharp pain in my head. Bernard: What's your number? (Manny gives it to him) Could you pass my phone please? (Bernard dials the number and Manny clutches the side of his head) Manny: Ow Ow Ow Ow! Bernard: (chuckling a cruel laugh) That's brilliant! Oh actually... (dials number again and chuckles again as Manny answers in pain) Manny: Hello? Bernard: (smiling) Hi Manny, it's Bernard. The thing is, we don't actually allow mobile phones in the shop. Right. Ok. Bye. (waits until Manny finishes the call) Oh look. Redial...

(Bernard and Manny are in the pub talking about a job for Manny) Bernard: Ok here it is. I like you a lot... Gerald... Samantha... Manny: Manny. Bernard: That's the one. I like you a lot.. Manny: Thanks a lot. You're not so bad yourself. Bernard: (very sharply) Don't touch my arm. And now.. (puzzled) Where have you gone? Manny: I'm here. You're looking at me. Bernard: Alright. So what do you want? Manny: You mentioned something about a job. Bernard: What do I have to do? Manny: In the bookshop. Bernard: (with a shout of delight) But I already work in a bookshop! (with a curious smile) Do you have anything in an aquarium?

Bernard: Manny, let's talk about how this trial day went. Manny: Well, I think it went quite well. Bernard: You sold a lot of books. And got on quite well with the customers. Manny: (Pleased) Yes! Bernard: I'm going to have to let you go. Manny: (Shocked) But... I sold a lot of books! I got on well with the customers! Bernard: It's not that kind of operation.

Manny: (As businessman enters store) I bet I can recommend and sell a book to this bloke here. Bernard: Tenner. Manny: You're on. (Manny approaches businessman customer) Manny: Hello... Businessman: (Bellowing) Will you leave me alone?! I'm sick and tired of being hounded by salesmen in shops! I'm browsing, all right?! Browsing! At the end of it I might buy something, I might not - but you will not influence me one iota! Not one jot! Now I've finished with you, YOU MAY GO!! Manny: (To Bernard) Best of three?

Manny: So, grew up in London, saw a lot of army bases... Fran: Ah, your father was in the army? Manny: No, just coincidence.

Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself. Manny: Well, I was born in London... Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.

Bernard: (to Manny) You there, Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.

Fran: (talking about Manny) He'd be good for the shop, you need someone normal around here. Bernard: Normal? If he's normal, what am I then? Fran: Well, you're a freak Bernard, you know that. Bernard: Yes! I know. BUT I HAVE RIGHTS!

Manny: Yeah you'd have to [...] get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here. Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around. Manny: And seal the floors, stop that rising smell, and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes? Bernard: What of it? Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea.

Bernard: Sorry, could we do this some other time when I'm not here?

Bernard: What did you order? Manny: Uh... Lager Bernard: Right. I got you a Creme de Menthe

Bernard: Where's all the books? Manny: What? Bernard: Where's all the books? Manny: Oh, I've sold them. Bernard: Oh, JESUS. You know what that means?! It means I have to go and ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly BORING and COMPLICATED that is. Bernard: (On the phone) Hello? Is this the place where you order books from when you want to sell them from your book shop?

Bernard: Wait! What time is it?! Manny: Uh... Half ten. Bernard: HALF TEN?! HALF TEN?! I've never been up at half ten! What happens?!

Bernard: (on customers) What do they want from me? Why can't they just leave me alone? What do they WANT from me? Manny: Well, they want to buy books... Bernard: Yeah, but why me, why do they come to me? Manny: Because you sell books... Bernard: Yeah... I know... but...

Manny: I'm interested in, in women, and lamps. I thought you were actually (points to Bernard). Gay, I mean. Bernard: So did I for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!