Black Books

Manny: You don't actually have a heart, Bernard. Just a shard of ice. Fran: Flint. Manny: Sorry? Fran: Flint, I always thought of it... as a piece of flint.

Manny: I didn't want to leave that party! I was enjoying it, it was great! Bernard: No it wasn't. The music was too loud, the food was cold, the drinks were too few, and the people many. It was everything I expected... and less. Anyway, I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.

(scruffy and drunk from the party) Fran: My hair. Is my hair still good? Bernard: Yeah you're a vision.

(drunkenly coming back from the party, on the other side of the door) Bernard: The key, the key it won't go in the thing! Fran: Bernard, you are using your finger. Bernard: Oh yeah.

Fran: Do you notice anything different about me? My hair! I got it done! Isn't it perfect, aren't I divine, don't you think I'm more me than I've ever been? I can't believe you didn't notice. Bernarnd: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance... which is not noticing.

Bernard: It was Friday night last week, it'll be Friday night next week, and every week until we're dead and even then the whole wretched cycle will continue.

Bernard: Yeah, well before you move to the country to raise your bearded freak circus, tell me about her. What's she like? What are her prospects? Manny: She's nice! Bernard: Oh, she's nice?! She... don't make me get sick into my own scorn!! Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?! Manny: I don't know. I just know that I like her. And there's a good chance she likes me, that's all. Bernard: Okay, well, we are going to this party, because I am trying to picture this girl who likes you, and all I can see is you, in a dress.

Manny: Right. I think tonight's gonna be something special. I think we should open the best bottle we've got! Bernard: Not the four pound forty-nine!! Manny: Tonight's the night! This is the stuff Napoleon would have drunk if he'd been a bit strapped... and, er, he couldn't get anything else.

Fran: Look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look! Look, it's got web access, it's got a camera. Look, it can do everything! Bernard: Gah! Can it stop boring conversations? Fran: No, none of them can do that... Bernard: Mine can! (Picks up receiver) Shut up about your phone!!

Manny: Why are you getting so angry? Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

Bernard: What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a chock ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours? Fran: Bludge. It's quite good actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

Bernard: Can we go now? Manny: Yeah. We're all set. Let's, paaar.... Bernard: DON'T YOU DARE USE THE WORD PARTY AS A VERB IN THIS SHOP!!!