Black Books

Bernard: (to cashier) Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left. Cashier: That's how much it costs. Bernard: What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

Manny: That was the last film you went to see? Planet of the Apes? Bernard: Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.

Bernard: (showing off his new drink to Manny) We've found something new. Absinthe, you know... that slogan "The Drink That Makes You Want To Kill Yourself Instantly."

Fran: Oh, yeah, Bernard... something came... up. I'm so so sorry. Umm what did you do? Bernard: Oh just my usual night out, you know. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know, the usual.

Bernard: Does the... umm... Mamba Burger... come with zesty cheese? Cashier boy: No. Bernard: Ok, uhh, then could I have some... Hunky Dunkers. With barbecue Hunky Dunky dip. And a... Mucky Chocolate Milkshake. Cashier boy: What size? Small, medium, goliath or god?

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard? Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

Bernard: (thinking) You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Security Man: I'm normally asked to install this system in zoos. The glass is soundproof. Manny: Why do you need soundproofing in zoos? Security Man: Well, otherwise, the kids start calling the lions pricks. Manny: Oh right. Security Man: It's a very good system. You know the CIA? Manny: Yeah. Security Man: They don't use this system. Uhh, they probably use something a lot better.