Black Books

This episode begins with a prologue. It shows Bordeaux in 1900, and we see Alda the priest present grapes to the head priest of the chapel, claiming they grew from a rose bush in the garden. The priest then states, "There is a prophecy of that grapes grown from the thorn of a rose will make a wine fit for the Holy Father himself". He eats a grape, which brings a tear to his eye.

The episode begins with Bernard telling his friend Freddy that he won't take bribes to watch his home while he is away. The 'bribe' is an electronic back massager (which pinches a nerve in Freddy's neck and sends one side of his body numb). Bernard plainly declines, showing his lack of care for someone who is obviously his friend.

Bernard ushers Freddy out of the shop and proceeds to drink some wine, or attempt to, for the lack of a cork-screw. He yells Manny to find a cork-screw for him, and we see the back of Black Books, which is an absolute mess. Black Books has always been a mess, as we see in Cooking The Books and Manny's First Day, but this is the first time we see the back of Black Books, and it is an utter stye.

Manny decides to call in professional help, seeking help from an advert in the newspaper from "Anall Cleaner Ltd".

After this scene, we see Fran enter Black Books, sporting a brand new dress. She then proceeds to tell Bernard about her date with Ben, an attractive divorcee whom she bought the dress to impress. Based on Fran's past dates, we can tell she does not have much luck with men. As she leaves, Bernard compliments her, which is quite sweet from such a bitter man.

The cleaner turns up, scaring Bernard half to death. As the cleaner works through the shop, we can see that he will have quite a lot of work ahead of him. After chewing on toffee, Manny accidentally breaks his tooth, giving him a painful slant in his face.

The cleaner informs Manny and Bernard that due to the of the job they'd have to go out and stay somewhere else for the night, so they decide, persuaded by Manny, to watch Freddy's house for him.


Manny learns the house rules from Freddy while Bernard uses the bathroom, although doesn't seem to take them in very well, perhaps because he and Bernard had been drinking beforehand.

The scene changes to Fran and Ben in the restaurant, and they seem to be getting on well, with Fran attempting to put on all the moves.

Freddy gives Manny exclusive use of the wine, he says they can have any and as many of the new wines, but not to touch any of the 10 old and dusty wine bottles. They are priceless, and he is presenting one to the pope at the end of the month.

Manny and Bernard then begin to get hammered into one of the old bottles of wine, due to a vital mistake by Manny in explaining the 'rules' to Bernard.

Fran's date complains about the music, and requests they put on a tape which he has brought with him, of his favourite artists. The first song on the tape is "Big Spender".

After Bernard and Manny drink all of the expensive bottles of wine, upon reading a book, Bernard discovers the awful truth. They drank a bottle of "Vin de Rosier" priced at £7000.

Fran's date; after talking to him and noticing him checking out another man, she realises the awful truth: her date is gay.

Bernard and Manny then try to come up with ideas to reimburse the bottle of wine they drank. Their ideas include burning the house down and a 'really nice box of pencils' as a gift. Bernard decides they can make some more, claiming the pope wont notice the difference. Manny then gets cramp due to stress. And uses the massage machine to fix it. The cramp is in Manny's leg, causing him to hobble, then the massage machine hurts Manny's back causing him to hunch.

Fran is still at the restaurant, trying to determine if Ben really is gay. She decides that he is, as he fits all the criteria, and informs him of his homosexuality.

We cut back to Bernard and Manny attempting to create the wine from the ingredients listed in the wine book that Freddy left them. Manny is chewing the cork to attempt to get it back in the bottle, this hurts his previous toffee injury, causing the facial mutation. With his hobble, and facial disfigurement, and limp, Manny becomes Igor, and Bernard, maniacally mixing ingredients to make the wine, becomes the Mad Scientist.

After believing they have made the wine, they put it back on the shelf with the others.

The scene cuts back to Fran with Ben, who is now crying over learning the truth. Fran has given up her pretences, and is letting herself be herself.

We see Black Books 'One month later' now, and it is once again an absolute mess. Fran comes into the shop, showing off her new date, The Cleaner who cleaned Black Books.

Bernard unfolds a newspaper, Manny sees it due to the shocking headline: Pope killed by inferior wine - Man held [Freddy].