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The Cleaner: (making his report to tape) Second degree unspecified soiling Zones B through K. North ceiling corner – cobweb containing several deceased arachnids …and beans.
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(Fran is at a restaurant with her date Ben)
Fran: Tell me Ben... (lights up a cigarette) How many times a day do you talk to your mother?
Ben: Oh God I don't know – a normal amount - about four or five times a day.
Fran: Yeesss. (takes a deep breath) Ben, I've got something to tell you and it might come as a bit of a shock, but you are ga... (pauses) Question. What do the following people have in common? Elton John, Ian McKellen, Jean-Paul Gaultier?
Ben: Well, they're all fabulous.
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Bernard: (Drunk) Look at the colors... all the colors... Well... Yellow.
Manny: (Drunk also) This is like a farmyard of wine.
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a... duck.
Manny: And sucking all the fluids from it's beak.
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Bernard: HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY THE WINE COST!?!?
Manny: Seven...thousand pounds.
Bernard: Well, I've got Three pounds Fifty; how much have you got?
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Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?
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Bernard: (slurring) Old wine is good wine.
Manny: (also slurring) Yes, but... expensive wine is good wine also.
Bernard: Yes, but the older the wine is, the gooder it is.
Manny: Ah, but by the same token, the more expensive the wine, the gooder it is also.
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Manny: I insist you come over right away! Ok, tomorrow. But first thing tomorrow! After lunch... right after lunch! Six o'clock. Fine.
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Bernard: Why are you stressed?
Manny: Because I opened the fridge and there's shin bandages next to the cheese!
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Manny: (On the phone) The place is a mess! Look!
(Manny points the phone at the room).
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Manny: You can't find anything! Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg, with a comb, from a shoe!
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Manny: You are a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look!
(he opens a pizza box)
Bernard: Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. Everybody does that. That's normal. You are just looking for things to complain about.
Manny: And what are these?
Bernard: ...wasps.