Black Books

Season 3 Episode 5

The Travel Writer

Aired Friday 9:00 PM Apr 08, 2004 on Channel 4



  • Trivia

    • Fran's 'Travel Essentials' list for her trip to Asia with Jason Hamilton includes sleeping gear, nail varnish, iron, bikini wax, avocados, chocolate, mouthwash, toothpaste, crimpers and glitter.

  • Quotes

    • Exterminator: (Slurring) It never goes away. The guilt. Mice, in wedding dresses, appear in your dreams. Whole families of roaches stand there in silent accusation.

    • Bernard: (To Jason) You don't look like much of an explorer to me! You look like you've been exploring luxury hotels for quite some time now. Why don't you write about that?! The cote d'azur: one mans struggle with the 100% Egyptian cotton sheets!

    • Bernard: (Referring to Jason Hamilton) What's he like then? This overgrown schoolboy? Nobody's told him that Britain doesn't own the world anymore, obviously!

    • Bernard: You hear that? He's up there meowing, in the nerve center of his empire. A high con rent here, a tax dodge there. He sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh and then he dives back to grooming his balls!

    • Solicitor: Ms. Hanley is dead. She died in the night...
      Bernard: I don't care!! I mean 'how awful'.

    • Bernard: (Holding Jason Hamilton's book) Every one of these blurbs says he's charming... "I was swept away on a wave of charm"... "I was immolated in a firewall of charm and charisma"..."I almost exploded from the concentration of charm from the page". I bet you I can open this anywhere and I'll find this fob posing on a Jeep, looking smug. (Opens book to photo) Hahaha!

    • Manny: (Reading solicitor's letter) Well, basically the woman upstairs wants her £170 a month ground rent.
      Bernard: She doesn't need any more money! She already has all the blue hair... and toffee... and popsocks a person could want!
      Manny: Well there's nothing you can do.
      Bernard: Go upstairs and tell her... to stop. Or we'll cut the brakes on her Stairmaster.

    • Bernard: If it wasn't for you, that cat would be where he belongs now - in Hell, being chased by giant mice.

    • Bernard: (after shooting Manny) So, you admit you deliberately stepped in front of the bullet?
      Manny: Yes.
      Bernard: And wantonly sprayed blood from your head, all over the shop?
      strong>Manny: Yes.
      Bernard: Before going to waste time writhing around on an "emergency" operating table?
      Manny: Yes.
      Bernard: Sign here. No wages for seven years.

    • Exterminator: So, let me guess, mice? No, wait... you've got cockroaches.
      Bernard: Yeah, we do. But don't touch them, will you? It'll upset the bat.

    • Manny: I'm setting up the shop for the Festival of Travel Writing!
      Bernard: What festival?!
      Fran: The one you said that Manny could have about a week ago.
      Bernard: I don't remember agreeing to that.
      Fran: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
      Bernard: No...
      Fran: Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
      Bernard: Not especially, no.
      Fran: It was in between those two things.

  • Notes

  • Allusions