Blackadder

Edmund: Well done, and now, returning to the real world: Do you have a knife? Baldrick: Yeah. Edmund: Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations, and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them in blood. Your blood, to be precise. Baldrick: So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, my-lord? Edmund: Oh, nothing much, just a small puddle. Baldrick: Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg, for instance? Edmund: Oh, good lord, no a little prick should do. Baldrick: Very well, my-lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. (sticks his knife down his trousers and begins sawing) Edmund: For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger! Baldrick: I haven't got one there!

Edmund: Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey… Percy: (thinks) Cardinal Woolsey…

Blackadder: This is a house of simple purity. Monk: { Runs in and vomits in fireplace } Great booze-up, Edmund! Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man? Blackadder: No. Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do. Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"? Blackadder: { very long pause } Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.

Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick. (There is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door) Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give, phenomenally good. Baldrick: You said get the door. Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired. Baldrick: But, my lord, I've been in your family since 1532. Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.

Blackadder: Is the turnip surprise ready? (Baldrick and Percy giggle) Baldrick: Yes, my Lord. Blackadder: Then what is so funny? Percy: Well, my Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip suprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy!

Elizabeth: Oh, Edmund. I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

Elizabeth: I was tucked in bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when I was waken by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett. Blackadder: Well, I never knew he had it in him.

Blackadder: Which reminds me, Auntie… (Lady Whiteadder slaps him) Lady Whiteadder: Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. And sex is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table. Blackadder: Or indeed, any table. Percy: Except perhaps a table in a brothel.

(walks into his aunt and uncle's dinner party after having a drink with the drunken idiots in the other room) Edmund: Percy! I lost the bet. Aunt: Edmund! Explain yourself. Edmund: I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Auntie. Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty, eeeee. And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like 'see the little goblin …' Aunt: I mean explain why you're wearing a cardinal's hat, why you're grinning inanely and … (Edmund falls face first onto the chair next to him) … why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches. Edmund: I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm cardinal chunder. I have an ostrich feather up my backside because mister ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies. And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance eeeee.

Blackadder: Don't say bershrew me Percy. Only stupid actors say bershrew me.

Elizabeth: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant. Simon Partridge: Prove it! Elizabeth: I certainly will. First I'm going to have a little drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.

Edmund: (singing) See the little goblin, see his little feet, and his little nosey-wose isn't the goblin sweet? All: Yes!