Blackadder

Queenie: Girls are normally called Elizabeth! Or Mary. Nursie: Or Donald. Queenie: Mouth is open, Nursie, should be shut.

Edmund: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra? Doctor: No, all part of the service.

Kate: What think you, my lord, of love? Edmund: You mean rumpy-pumpy? Kate: What would you say, my lord, if I were to say I love you? Edmund: Umm…well, of course it depends entirely on who you said it to. If you said it to a horse, I'd assume you were sick. If you said it to Baldrick, I'd assume you were blind.

Edmund: Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I'm unable to shake off.

Baldrick: I've got nowhere to go, my lord. Edmund: Oh, surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks! Baldrick: I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord. Edmund: That must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you!

Edmund: What do they call you? Kate: Kate.

(After Baldrick is shot in the crotch with an arrow) Edmund: Bad luck, Balders. Baldrick: Not to worry, my lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body. Edmund: Ah, good. Baldrick: No, by a thousand to one chance, my willie got in the way. Edmund: Extraordinary. Baldrick: Yeah, I'd only just put it there, but now I will leave it there forever. Edmund: Quite so, Baldrick, it can be your lucky willie. Baldrick: Yes my lord, years from now, I'll show it to my grandchildren. Edmund: Well Baldrick, I think now grandchildren may be out of the question.

Percy: I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me.
Edmund: Well go to Spain, there are millions of them.

Percy: Sorry I'm late!
Edmund: Oh don't bother apologizing, I'm sorry you're alive.

Kate: Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer. All day long you mutter to yourself, gibber, dribble, moan and bash your head against the wall yelling: "I want to die!" Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions, but… you're not completely happy, are you?

Kate: The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London. Blackadder: Mmmmm. That's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in ten minutes.

Old Man: I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has now reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us. And must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage. Kate: But father, surely… Old Man: Yes Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.

Lord Flashheart: Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down.

Edmund: Where have you been?
Lord Flashheart: Where haven't I been?! WOOF! (performing a pelvic thrust)

Bob: But My Lord, I have a great secret!
Edmund: What?
Bob: Prepare to be amazed. (Starts undressing)
Edmund: Oh no, you haven't got one of those birthmarks shaped like a banana have you?
Bob: No (still undressing)
Edmund: Or a tattoo saying "Get it here" ?
Bob: No
Edmund: Oh God, you've got one of those belly buttons that sticks out haven't you?
Bob: No My Lord.
Edmund: Well what could it possibly be?
(Bob flashes Edmund her breasts, proving she is actually a woman)
Edmund: Aah…Good Lord!

(Baldrick is in a dress as the maid of honour)
Edmund: It's strangely in keeping with our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: (Wearing a dress) Thank you very much My Lord.
Edmund: …Well I use the word "Man" in as broad as possible a sense. For as we all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you Baldrick.
Kate: Ignore him Balders, you look as sweet as a little pie!
Edmund: Kate, he looks like what he is: A dung ball in a dress.

Flasheart: (to Baldrick) Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard, gives me something to hang on to!

Flashhart: I've got a plan! And it's as hot as my pants!

Edmund: (to doctor) You're just an old quack aren't you? Doctor: I'd rather be a quack than a ducky good-day.

Edmund: Do you know where she lives? Crone: Of Course. Edmund: Where? Crone: Here. Do you have an appointment? Edmund: No. Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.

Young Crone: Two things must you know about the wise woman. First she is…a Woman. And second, she is… Edmund: Wise? Young Crone: You do know her then. Edmund: No just a stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't be a bit more helpful.

(Lord Melchett is making very strange gestures in front of Queenie and Nursey) Queenie: Nice try Melchie, but it's no use. I'm so bored. Lord Melchett: Your father used to laugh at my impersonation of Christopher Columbus. Queenie: Well, my father used to laugh at…who were those people with the funny faces and the bells? Lord Melchett: Ahh, jesters. Queenie: No. Oh, lepers

Queenie: Is her nose prettier than mine? Edmund: Oh no no no. Queenie: Good, because if it was then I would have had it cut off, and then you'd have to marry someone without a nose, and that wouldn't be very nice would it? I mean imagine the mess when she got a cold!

(Comes in to see "Bob" lying on the floor with Edmund on top of her.) Baldrick: Don't worry Bob he used to try and kill me too.