Blackadder Episode 3

Ebenezer Blackadder: (reading Baldrick's Christmas card) A merry messy Christmas, (to Baldrick) Christmas has an H in it. And a R. And an I,also a S, T, a M, an A, and another S... Oh, and you missed out the C in the beginning. Congratulations are in order Mr. Baldrick, this is something of a triumph. You are the first person ever to spell Christmas, and not get any of the letters right at all!

Prince George: I mean, for heaven's sake! What can I possibly do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh?
Mr. Blackadder: I cannot conceive.

Ebenezer Blackadder: Cork it, fatso! Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age, where apart from Queen Piglet-Features herself, women and children are to be seen and not heard!
Prince Albert: Queen Piglet-Features!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes! "Empress Oink," us lads call her. The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband. "The Pig and the Prig," we call them. How they ever managed to produce their one hundred and twelve children is quite beyond me. The bed-chambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds!

Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner. (looks at Ralph)...and she seems to have brought the fish course with her! Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
Ralph: I think...it's me!
Millicent: This is Ralph, he's my fiance!
Ralph: We're in love!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.
(Millicent and Ralph laugh obnoxiously)
Ebenezer Blackadder: Shut up!
Millicent: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the... the horridest man in the world!
Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing myself.
Ebenezer Blackadder: (hits Baldrick in the back of the head)...when spoken to. (to Millicent) I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand - blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book!

Mr. Blackadder: Shall I begin the Christmas story?
Prince George: Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.
Mr. Blackadder: You mean Jesus, sire...?
Prince George: Yes, that's the fellow! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!

Ebenezer Blackadder: (counting the year's profits) Seventeen pounds and a penny.
Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed!
Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.

Ebenezer Blackadder: So, let's get this straight: If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe!
Spirit of Christmas: Maybe...Maybe...But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe is not all it's cracked up to be - there's the long hours... I mean, you wave at people the whole time. You're no longer your own boss.
Ebenezer Blackadder: But, so, what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold?
Spirit of Christmas: Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. I've got four hauntings and a "scare-the-bugger-to-death" to do before morning.

Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflints. You know that old fella across the road? Bags of money; I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his "John Thomas" as a draught excluder!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! Old people today! Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective!

Ebenezer Blackadder: Can I get you a cup or tea or anything?
Spirit of Christmas: You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more...medicinal?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, I see. No, I've only got some of "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion."
(He takes the bottles from Blackadder)
Spirit of Christmas: Oh! Nothing but the best at this house!

Baldrick: Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we haven't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...
Lord Blackadder: On some other dogs!
Baldrick: Yeah. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "peace on earth, good will to mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back ride!
Lord Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behavior for the Son of God, Mister Baldrick! Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!

Baldrick: I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play.
Lord Blackadder: Oh, of course. How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Lord Blackadder: Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Lord Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: "Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Lord Blackadder: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof!"

(Blackadder has just unwittingly slammed the door in the faces of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert)
Ebenezer Blackadder: I am not at home to guests!
Prince Albert: I flatter myzelf ve are llather special guests, sir.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course, I must apologize! It isn't often that one recieves a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.
Prince Albert: Ah, zo you llecognize us at last!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes! Unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the 'Round Britain Shortest Fattest Dumpiest Woman Competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.

Baldrick: Mr. B! Where's the milk of human kindness?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.

(Ebeneezer Blackadder holds up a small pine twig in lieu of a proper Christmas tree)
Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes but size isn't important my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it!

Ebeneezer Blackadder: In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you.
Baldrick: Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?
Ebeneezer Blackadder: It's a fist. It's for hitting people with.
(He punches Baldrick)
Ebeneezer Blackadder: And the great thing is, you can use it again and again!
(He punches Baldrick again)

Ebenezer Blackadder: I'm afraid the only way you are likely to get a wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet.

Frondo: What news of the foul Marmydons?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: Scattered to the nine vectors, m'lord.
Frondo: And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatticon V? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: Well they're dead, if that's what you mean.
Pigmot: Plus Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: No, my lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibbles because you just made them up.

Mrs. Scratchit: (sobbing) No goose for Tiny Tom this year.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.

Ebenezer Blackadder: My what a jolly fellow.
Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, but if one peels away the layers of a 'fat git' you'll probably find a...
Baldrick: Thin git!

Ebenezer Blackadder: My, what a jolly young girl.
Baldrick: Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.

Lord Blackadder: I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.

Lord Blackadder: HA! Got him with my subtle plan!
Baldrick: I can't see any subtle plan!
Lord Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"

Lord Melchett: Greetings of the season to you, Blackadder! May the Yule log slip from your fire and burn your house down!

Carolers: One. Two. Three. ( to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") God rest Mr. B and baby Jesus too. If we were little pigs, we'd go, Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo! Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo, piggy wiigy woo, Oh, Piggy wiggy wiggy woo!
(They finish and Blackadder claps.)
Blackadder: Utter crap.

Blackadder (talking about Tiny Tom): He's NOT a cripple, Mrs Scratchit - occasionally saying "Phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!
Baldrick: It did, actually.

Mrs Scratchit: Ah, Mr Ebeneezer…I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me? Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?
Ebeneezer: I've always found you 'fowl,' Mrs Scratchit, and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, he can shove it up his enormous muscular backside!
Mrs Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit - occasionally saying "Phew, my leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!
Baldrick: It did, actually.

"And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide Log slip from your fire and burn your house down." - Lord Melchett