Blackadder

(Edmund is trying to sell the house) Mrs: What about the privies? Edmund: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," for 'twas his name "Romeo, let's make them functional, and comfortable." Mr: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, dear! Edmund: I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. Drink? Mrs: What about the privies? Edmund: Well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall, fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation below. Mrs: You mean you crap out of the window. Edmund: Yes!

(Talking about how poor Edmund is) Percy: What, do you mean you've been … fibbing? Edmund: Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself one of England's finest liars. (Edmund looks out the door) Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about to eat your hat and cloak! Percy: Oh no! (runs out) Edmund : (telling Baldrick) You see?! I'm terrific at it. Percy : (comes back) It seems to have gone now.

Baldrick: My Lord, there is someone at the door to see you. Edmund: Oh god. What time is it? Baldrick: Four o'clock. Edmund: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day; this woman charges by the hour. Baldrick: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning. Edmund: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant lark? Baldrick: No, he's a priest. Edmund: Tell him I'm Jewish.

Mr. Pants: You've really worked out your banter, haven't you? Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit.

Blackadder: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy … just go forth into the street.

Blackadder: I can not believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door!

Lord Percy: Edmund! Oh Edmund! I've awaited your return. (He hugs Blackadder) Blackadder: And Thank God you did because I was just thinking: "My God, I die in twelve hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat."

Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?

(to Baldrick about the prostitute sleeping next to him) Edmund: Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to … I'm sorry; I've forgotten your name. Prostitute: Mollie. Edmund: Of course. Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine. Mollie: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick. Most girls would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible stuff he wants me to do. Edmund: Yes, alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute. Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant.