Blackadder

Blackadder: Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.

George: When I was at school, education could go hang. As long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir. Blackadder: Ah, yes, what is it? Baldrick: Cooking. You know how staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks? Well, we go over there we cook 'em something, and we get out of the trenches that way. Blackadder: Baldrick, It's a brilliant plan. Baldrick: Is it? Permission to write home immediately, sir! This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill. My mother will be as pleased as punch. Blackadder: Hmm, if only she were as good-looking as punch, Baldrick.

Baldrick: Permission to speak, sir. Blackadder: Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.

Blackadder: Something's going on, and I think i can make an educated guess what it is. Something which you, George, would find hard to do.

Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's 'apple crumble.'

(While looking at "King and Country") Blackadder: The British tommies are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.

George: Tally-ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your uncle. Blackadder: In English we say "Good Morning".

Baldrick: The chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed. Blackadder: Yes. That's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.

Baldrick: Well, were going over aren't we sir? Blackadder: Yes we are, unless I can think of some brilliant plan. Baldrick: Would you like some Rat-o-van to help you think? Blackadder: Rat-o-van? Baldrick: Yeah it's rat, that's been... Blackadder and Baldrick: ...run over by a van.

Lt. George: Permission to say Bravo at an annoyingly loud volume sir? General Melchet: Permission Granted. Lt. George: BRAVO!

Blackadder: All right, total and utter quiet. Do you understand? So for instance, if any of us crawl over some barbed wire, they are on no account to go… aarhhh! Baldrick: Did you just crawl over some barbed wire sir? Blackadder: No Baldrick, I just put my elbow in a blob of Ice cream.

George: Oh sir, just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? Blackadder: Well normal procedure Lieutenant, is to jump 200 ft into the air, and then scatter yourself over a wide area.

Baldrick: You know the funny thing is, my father was a nun. Blackadder: No he wasn't. Baldrick: He was so sir. I know because, whenever he was up in court, and the judge would say "occupation", he'd say 'none'.

Blackadder: Now, where the hell are we? George: Well, it's difficult to say, we appear to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms. Blackadder: (patiently) What do those symbols denote? George: Pfff. That we're in a field of mushrooms? Blackadder: Lieutenant, that is a military map, it is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi. Look at the key and you'll discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking. George: Good Lord, you're quite right sir, it says "mine". So, these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map. Blackadder: Either that, or we're in the middle of a minefield. Baldrick: Oh dear. George: So, he owns the field as well?

General Melchett: (to Baldrick) Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? Blackadder: Permission to speak. (Baldrick is silent) Blackadder: Answer the General, Baldrick! Baldrick: (whispers) I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.

General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push? Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified. General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest Tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you. Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.

General Melchett: There is, however, one small problem. Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds? General Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up. Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion. General Melchett: Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.

Blackadder: I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being with a degree from the university of life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me.

Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there? Baldrick: (from outside) I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. Blackadder: What are you carving? Baldrick: (coming in) I'm carving 'Baldrick', sir. Blackadder: Why? Baldrick: It's a cunning plan actually. Blackadder: Of course it is. Baldrick: You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? Blackadder: Yeesss. Baldrick: Well I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it, 'cause I won't ever shoot myself. Blackadder: Oh, shame.

Blackadder: (to Baldrick) You're the worst cook in the entire world. Baldrick: Oh yeah, that's right. Blackadder: There are amoeba on Saturn that can boil a better egg than you. Your filet mignon in sauce Bearnaise look like dog turds in glue. Baldrick: That's because they are. Blackadder: Your plum duff tastes like it's a mole hill decorated with rabbit droppings… Baldrick: I thought you wouldn't notice. Blackadder: And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit. Baldrick: Again, it's…

George: Row row row your boat Melchett: Gently down the stream Both: Belts off, trousers down, isn't life a scream *grunt and thrust*!