Blackadder

{George has returned from a date with General Melchett dress as "Georgina} Blackadder: Well, thank God the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him. {George looks at him} He did? Well how did you get out of that one? George: Well to be honest, sir, I'm not absolutely certain that I did. Blackadder: What?! George: You don't understand what it was like, sir. You know, the candles, the music, the huge moustache. I don't know what came over me? Blackadder: You said yes? George: Well, sir, he is a general. I didn't really feel I could refuse. He might have had me court-martialed. Blackadder: Whereas, on the other hand, of course, he's going to give you the Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night and finds himself looking at the last turkey in the shop.

George: Because if you are cheesed off, sir, you know what would cheer you up and that's a Charlie Chaplin film. Oh, I love old Chappers, don't you, Cap? Blackadder: Unfortunately, no I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering that there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder: (to Bob) You're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar bears only golf club.

Bob: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir. Blackadder: Oh really? Bob: I'll do anything, sir. Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.

Baldrick: Haven't you smelled it sir? There's something afoot in the wind. the huddled masses yearning to be free. Blackadder: Baldrick, have you been to the diesel oil again? Baldrick: No sir, I've been sapping the milk of freedom. Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution, and hereto sir, the huddled whats-names such as myself sir, are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the Lieutenant…(notices that Blackadder has advanced upon him glaring)…present company excepted sir. Blackadder: Go clean out the latrine. Baldrick: (Saluting) Yes sir, right away sir.

Blackadder: Baldrick, no. It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm sick of kicking around the house tonight, let's go take in a show.'

Darling: We received a telegram this morning from Mr Chaplin himself at Sennett Studios: Twice nightly screening of my films in trenches excellent idea stop. But must insist E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. Oh, P.S. Don't let him ever… stop.

Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

{Baldrick does his Charlie Chaplin impersonation.} Blackadder: Yes… Bob, take a telegram. Mr. C Chaplin, Sennett Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have discovered only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Yours E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.

Bob: I want to see how a war is fought, so badly. Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Blackadder: The point is that, now that the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser, at this very moment, over three-quarters of a million Germans are leaving the Russian front and coming over here with the express purpose of using my nipples for target practice. There's only one thing for it: I'm going to have to desert, and I'm going to do it right now. (but as he reaches the door, Gen. Melchett enters) Melchett: Are you leaving us, Blackadder? Blackadder: No, sir. Melchett: Well, I'm relieved to hear it, because I need you to help me shoot some deserters later on.

Melchett: I enjoyed the slug-balancer