Blackadder

Blackadder: I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities: Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull. Nurse Fletcher-Brown: Well? Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities! Nurse Fletcher-Brown: You swine! Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!

General Melchett: If there's one thing I've learnt in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh!

Darling: Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria. Blackadder: (furiously) So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German? Darling:(crying) No! No! Look, for God's sake, I'm not a German spy! Blackadder: (calmly; politely) Good. Thanks very much. Send in the next man, would you?

Blackadder: What is the colour of the Queen of England's favourite hat? Darling: How the hell should I know?! Blackadder: (completely deadpan) I see…Well, let me ask you another question. What is the name of the German head of state? Darling: Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously. Blackadder: (furiously) So you're on first name terms with the kaiser, are you?

Nurse Mary: Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time. Blackadder: No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off!

General Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder. Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans. General Melchett: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed? Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir? General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan. Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan? General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it!

Blackadder: I lost closer friends than "darling Georgie" the last time I was deloused.

Blackadder: (about George) Alright. Where is the malingering git?

Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T". Baldrick: Breakfast. Blackadder: > What?? Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers. Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter. Baldrick: Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman doesn't come till 10.30. Blackadder: I can't go on with this. George, take over. George: All right, sir. Umm… I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R" Baldrick: Army. Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr. Baldrick: Motorbike Blackadder: What? Baldrick: Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm. Blackadder: Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"? Baldrick: I don't know. Blackadder: Come here. (Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face) Baldrick: Ow!

Nurse Mary: When this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better? Blackadder: Yes, why not? When this madness has finished, perhaps we could go cycling together. Take a trip down to the old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods. Nurse Mary: Yes. Or we could just do it right now on the desk. Blackadder: Yeah, okay.

Darling: You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you. Blackadder: Please, Darling. There are ladies present.

George: Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around have you, who might be German spies? Brigadier Smith: Nein. George: Nine! Well, the Cap's got his work cut out, then.

George: I hear with my little ear, something beginning with B. Blackadder: What? George: Bomb. Blackadder: I can't hear a bomb. George: Listen very carefully. Blackadder: Oh, yes. (room explodes)

Capt. Blackadder: Can anyone tell me what's going on? Capt. Darling: Security, Blackadder. Capt. Blackadder: Security? Gen. Melchett: "Security" isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. "Crevice" is a dirty word, but "security" isn't. Capt. Blackadder: So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by (indicating Capt. Darling) this drooling pervert. Capt. Darling: I'm only doing my job Blackadder. Capt. Blackadder: Oh, well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby. Gen. Melchett: Now there's another dirty word, "Job".