Jeff: Okay, now who here have NEVER been to a funeral? Oh a lot of people...why? Guy: Cuz they're boring. Jeff: Because they're boring? Well of course they're boring, that's why they don't sell tickets! 'Hey man, I got tickets for Saturday night, to the funeral, second row right next to the casket!'
Terry: Wasn't that a great funeral, Papaw? Papaw: How would you know? You went fishing. Terry: I'm sorry, Papaw. Papaw: I don't want apologies. I want to know why you didn't take me with you. Tina: Daddy! We buried Mama today. Papaw: We buried a set of teeth! Terry: Why did we spend $600 to bury a set of teeth? We could've just wrapped them in a Kleenex and buried her in a Tupperware box. Papaw: Them ain't even hers, we buried somebody else's teeth. Tina: Daddy, when Mama bent down to light her cigarette off the stove she blew up the house and all they found of her were her teeth. Papaw: You believe what you want to, but she's out there somewhere.
Papaw: (to Tina about her mother) When you were 8 years old you asked for Santa Claus to kill her. Maude: Me too. Terry: Well it took a while but it looks like ol' Santa came through.
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