Jeff: I will say this: Out of the two sexes, men are the most pitiful at getting sick. As soon as the guy starts feeling bad, he tries to turn his woman into his mommy. It's like, "I'm going to bed. Could you get me some juice and put on SpongeBob?" But if she gets sick, us guys aren't that nurturing. It's like, "Baby, you got the flu? Well, get up and do some housework. A little bit of vacuuming will sweat that fever right out of you."
[repeated throughout the protologist sketch by various] "Here comes the choo-choo!"
Larry: To the person or persons who had to clean the bathroom at "Charlie's Crab Shack" around 10:30 last night. I apologize. Jeff: And to the waiter at "Charlie's Crab Shack", who for $20 put laxatives in Larry's sweet tea all night long. Bill: That was money well spent. Larry: You son of a...
Bill: Alright, to my high school algebra teacher. For teaching me that X equals minus B plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4ac all over 2A because Lord knows I use that information EVERY day.
Jeff: To the guy who invented Listerine Strips. For giving me and my dog hours of entertainment.
Bill: To the funeral home folks who buried my Grandpa, because only you could make a 90-year-old man look like a retired hooker. Jeff: That was your GRANDPA?
Larry: (describing the "7 dwarves") Let's see, there was uh...Nasally challenged little person, mood enhanced little person, slightly mentally impaired little person, bipolar little person, little person with a sleeping disorder, little person in need of anger management, and little person with a PhD.
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