Bonekickers

Season 1 Episode 4

The Cradle Of Civilisation

0
Aired Tuesday 9:00 PM Jul 29, 2008 on BBC
7.2
out of 10
User Rating
15 votes
2

EPISODE REVIEWS
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Episode Summary

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The Cradle Of Civilisation
AIRED:
Gillian's ex-lover and archeologist from Iraq comes to Bath to repossess some Iraqi relics which were stolen.

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SUBMIT REVIEW
  • The Case of The 3D Glasses Killer - yet another snarky recap. The names of the characters have been altered either to protect the innocent or because I'm a jerk.

    1.0
    Ancient Babylon is our historical flashback this week. A man wearing an unconvincing wig flees into an underground chamber and hides a jar in a box. He then gets killed by something wearing 3D glasses. Yeah.



    In the present day, a quarry in the southwest of England doubles as Iraq. A journalist is fired upon by some off screen guns that we never see (wow, this is just like the news!). We assume that the guns exist because we can hear them and there are those small explosions in the floor (the ones that look like something is strafing the ground whenever a show cheaps out on gun effects). An American journalist takes cover in the same underground chamber as the ancient Babylonian and finds his skeleton and his shiny medallion. Sadly the ancient Babylonian's wig did not survive. The journo also finds the box containing this week's McGuffin – the jar! He doesn't find any 3D glasses at the scene though.



    In the present the Bonekickers are pretending to do archeology stuff. They find a Neolithic toothpick and then Gruff Detective decides to insult Stonehenge for being rubbish in comparison to the Pyramids. She stops short of setting fire to Stonehenge and snapping the toothpicks in half, but only just.



    An Iraqi delegation arrive in Bath (or is it Bristol?), one of the members is an old flame of Gruff Detective's. There is also a precocious child genius with them. Don't worry, she isn't important at all other than to be irritating in that way only child geniuses can be. The Old Flame has a Babylonian brick which he wants the team to investigate; we then get some soap opera crap with Man With No Gimmick being all jealous and stuff. He makes perfect sense as usual as he points out that the team should be doing paid work rather than running off and investigating bricks. This being Bonekickers, no-one listens and they investigate the brick.



    Old Flame also seems to recognise the Rookie but nothing comes of it other than suspicion (maybe he recognised her from Doctor Who?). Hmmm… this should be an intriguing mystery but I find myself not really caring. One of two things will probably happen with the Rookie:



    1. She's working for someone who is after the magic sword that Gruff Detective is obsessed with. At some point she will betray the team but will then make good on her betrayal and be welcomed back into the fold.

    2. Actually, 1 is pretty much my only thought on what will happen. I think the show will be pretty predictable and go with the above scenario or some variation on it.



    In the meantime the journalist tries to flog the Babylonian treasures that he found. Conveniently he knows an antiquities fence who offers to buy the artifacts from him; the journo sells everything to the fence apart from the mysterious jar. The fence is then visited in the night by the 3D glasses killer. At this point it's very obvious that the 3D glasses killer is a snake. A magic snake that survived thousands of years and can track the Babylonian artifacts with its sense of smell, taste and its magic 3D glasses.



    The team and Old Flame discover the dead antiquities fence and blunder around Bath/Bristol for a while as they try to figure out where the jar is. There's mention of Tiamat being involved but it isn't the dragon from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, which is disappointing.



    The journalist puts the jar on the 'internet'. He doesn't use eBay which is a shame, he could've made a fortune. Here's a tip, don't put an image of an ancient vase that you stole on your blog. A big CGI snake will come for you. The Bonekickers get there before the snake (the snake presumably has an iPhone so he can keep up on the latest stolen Babylonian artifacts. He uses his tongue to work the touchscreen) and steal the vase from the journalist. They then leave him to be killed by the snake. What a bunch of heroes.



    There's some more silly running around Bath/Bristol and the snake tries to kill Gruff Detective in a hotel. Luckily Dolly is a know-it-all and traps the snake with a stick. The Bonekickers run off and leave him holding the snake, we never find out what he does with it… At this point I would like to say that a rubber snake on a string would have been more convincing than the glassy eyed CGI attempt at a snake the show gave us. The jar contains a prophecy about 'The One' who will bring balance to the Force, or free everyone from the Matrix, or lead Iraq into a new age, or something. Old Flame wants to use the prophecy to make Iraq super awesome again.



    There's another EVIL CONSPIRACY as Old Flame is told to renounce his artifact hunting ways to the press and get on with actually doing some of that diplomatic stuff he was sent from Iraq to do. We find out that the EVIL CONSPIRACY has stolen the plot to the James Bond film, Tomorrow Never Dies, as an evil media mogul (Old Flame's brother – the angst!) wants to stop Iraq from finding peace as he can make more money from the war news. Because obviously the magic jar prophecy would stop all conflict in Iraq and across the globe as everyone holds hands and dances.



    The evil media mogul threatens to kill the irritating child genius but he doesn't in the end. The magic jar is recovered and everyone is happy. Apart from me, this was just awful, not fun awful but just brutal unengaging boring drivel. I think this was the cheap episode as the budget really seemed to suffer and creak under the meager requirements of the story. There was a press conference scene that had about half a dozen journalists which looked pathetic. The locations were poor and the snake was CGI straight from the early 90s. They clearly spent the majority of the budget on setting fire to things in earlier episodes.



    There's some more magic sword metaplot as someone leaves a drawing of the sword in Gruff Detective's lab. Gruff Detective gets all freaked out and waves a spear about but nothing happens. Oh yeah, earlier in the episode, the show suggested that the sword is made of magic meteorite metal! Wow! That'll probably give it +5 versus undead or something.moreless
  • Enter a world of ancient gods, lost prophecies and demonic worship.

    9.0
    This is by far the best episode screened so far. Political intrigue, current affairs and ancient secrets collide when several Babylonian artefacts are stolen by a freelance journalist who proceeds to attempt to sell these times on the black market. When former lovers (Gillian Magwilde and Kahmil Hammadi) meet and become involved in the hunt for these items Gillian discovers that there is more at stake than she could have ever possibly imagined. As their hunt continues they are drawn into a world of ancient gods, lost prophecies and seemingly active demonic worship. As the body count rises they struggle to stay alive and solve the mystery before themmoreless
Julie Graham

Julie Graham

Professor Gillian Magwilde

Gugu Mbatha-Raw

Gugu Mbatha-Raw

Viv Davis

Michael Maloney

Michael Maloney

Professor Daniel Mastiff

Adrian Lester

Adrian Lester

Dr Ben Ergha

Hugh Bonneville

Hugh Bonneville

Professor Gregory Parton

Silas Carson

Silas Carson

Kahmil Hammadi

Guest Star

David Ryall

David Ryall

Max Garris

Guest Star

Nina Sosanya

Nina Sosanya

Rachel

Guest Star

Frances Tomelty

Frances Tomelty

Karen Magwilde

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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