Bones Season 1 Episode 9

Brennan: (to Hodgins and Zack) Is that pure alcohol?
Zack: ...Yes, Dr. Brennan.
Brennan: You really think Goodman's gonna let you spike the eggnog after the Fourth of July fiasco?

Hodgins: I brought an eggnog.
Zack: I can't drink while I work.
Hodgins: Good thing I didn't bring it for you.

(Brennan and Booth at the counter of Wong Foo's)
Brennan: Ivy Gillespie came to the lab after you left, with her granddaughter. (Booth smiles knowingly) Don't you wanna know what happened?
Booth: I know what happened. You told her about careful Lionel, you showed her the letters, the tickets, she cried. But, you made her happy.
Brennan: Not to mention I gave her a penny worth over a hundred thousand dollars.
Booth: She won't care about that today. You just gave somebody the best Christmas gift they could ever get. Who's the secret Santa now?
Brennan: Stop!
(Zack's robot starts doing push-ups on the counter)
Booth: Whoa! (they both laugh) And that weirdo assistant of yours just made me the coolest dad in the world.

Booth: Listen, Bones, here is the thing. What if a gift goes both ways? What's wrong with that? (Brennan ignores what he says and talks about something unrelated) Look, all I'm saying is that maybe the real gift is when you accept something with a little grace.

Brennan: Wait, Booth has a kid?
Hodgins: You didn't know?
Brennan: No!
Hodgins: I wasn't the one who told you.

Booth: Listen, I got Goodman for this Secret Santa thing and I don't know what to get him.
Brennan: Anthropologically speaking gifts are a way of asserting dominance in a group. Now, imagine an entire holiday devoted to self-promotion, especially in this materialistic culture. How can you expect me to get behind that? How can you get behind that?
Booth: Wow. That's deep, that's a very deep pile of crap.
Brennan: You came to me with information this morning, a peace offering, but it was to make you feel better, not me. Proves my point.
Booth: You know, Bones, you make it very, very hard for me to be nice to you.

Booth: You know, I have a kid, too. His name is Parker, he's four years old. (hands Parker's picture to a surprised Goodman) His mother wouldn't marry me, so my parental rights are totally, phew-
Goodman: Vague?
Booth: That word is just a little bit more Christmas-ier than what I was thinking.

Brennan: Booth, will you escort Angela to the Christmas party and make sure that she doesn't photocopy her butt?
Booth: Oh, no, no, I can't do that. See, I've got some really last minute, important Christmas shopping that I gotta do.
Angela: (takes him by the arm and drags him off) It's not last minute until tomorrow.
Booth: (looks pleadingly at Brennan) Come on, Bones. (Brennan looks on indifferently) Bones! Just, I gotta, jeez.

Angela: We have to be extremely creative.
Hodgins: Maybe string a bunch of test tubes together and fill them with luminescent liquids.
Angela: Nice. Very festive.
Zack: They'll probably give us cancer.
Goodman: (sarcastically) That would be fitting this Christmas.

Angela: All right. We need a way to choose our Secret Santas.
Zack: I could build a random generator.
Goodman: Wouldn't it be better to match complementary people in a premeditated manner?
(Booth and Angela smile at each other)
Hodgins: I got five numbers in my head and five letters. You tell me the number, I'll tell you the matching letter.
(Meanwhile, Booth is busy writing on slips of paper)
Goodman: Well, are the letters sequential, or are the numbers sequential?
Hodgins: Sequential. We'll go in order. Oldest to youngest.
Zack: Six.
Hodgins: There's no six!
Goodman: A through E. And 1 through 5.
(In the background, Hodgins says, "Yeah. No six." Zack says, "Six")
(Booth hands the three a tin can)
Booth: Just pick a name. If you get your own, put it back.
Goodman: Oh. That could work.
Hodgins: Yeah. That's good.
(Booth and Angela smirk at each other)
Angela: Good idea.

Booth: Bones, it's after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve day. Both an Eve and a day it's a Christmas miracle.
Bones: Still enjoying your medication I see.

(Angela shows Brennan the holographic tree and they start talking about Christmas)
Angela: So what is it with you and gifts anyway? (Brennan shrugs) I know your parents disappeared just before Christmas.
Brennan: My brother Russ was nineteen and we were still in the house.
Angela: That must have been strange.
Brennan: Russ found our presents in my parents' room (Booth steps in the doorway unnoticed) and on Christmas Eve when I was asleep he snuck down and made Christmas trying to do the right thing for me.
Angela: Christmas for his little sister.
Brennan: (teary) But when I came down and saw the lights and the presents...
Angela: You thought your parents were back.
Brennan: I just expected to see them sitting there drinking their coffee watching Russ and me open our presents.
Angela: Oh my God.
(Booth looks sympathetic)
Brennan: (trying not to cry) I kinda lost it. I refused to open the presents until they came back. It was like I told Russ he wasn't enough family for me. Before New Year's he (wipes tear from her face) went out West to work and I was in the foster system.

Hodgins: At least I'm an accidental Grinch; with all due respect you're the Grinch on purpose.
Brennan: I have no idea what you are saying to me.
Hodgins: The Grinch is a relatively well-known creation of a children's author named Dr. Seuss.

Zack: In some cases of Valley fever, skin lesions appear.
Hodgins: Will someone in a position of responsibility please order Zack to shut up!

Angela: It's all so tragic. A cheap wedding ring sewn into his suit, two tickets to Paris, it makes you wonder who was the girl. Can you imagine what it was like for her, waiting and wondering never knowing what happened?
Brennan: I don't have to imagine.
Angela: What do you mean?
Brennan: I'll tell you what I'm going to do for Christmas.
Angela: Good, thank you. At last you decided to take part.
Brennan: (getting up) I'm going to solve a murder.

(the team just learned they have to stay in the lab over Christmas)
Hodgins: I'm supposed to go to Quebec!
Angela: Hey, whose fault is this?
Hodgins: Who forced me to go to the party where I drank too much and had to hide from Crystal?
Angela: Who never should have cut into a bone with a drunken fool in the room?
Zack: Who brought us human remains just to ditch a little paper work?
Booth: Oh, wait, you're saying this is my fault?!
Dr. Goodman: You knew Dr. Brennan could not resist.
Brennan: Well I would have been able to resist if I was in Niger where I wanted to be.
Dr. Goodman: You're blaming me.

(Angela is running after Temperance, to whom she wants to ask a favor: to accompany her to the party)
Angela: Sweetie, could you stop galloping for like two seconds?
Temperance: Better able to withstand peer pressure when you can't catch me.

Hodgins: (to Zack) Your robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn, it stops. You tell it to stop, it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage, it watches reruns of Firefly.

Brennan: And say what, 'Merry Christmas Ivy Gillespie your fiancée was murdered and your life is ruined, but hey at least you get to know what happened to him'?
Angela: Don't you wish someone had said that to you?
Brennan: Yes.

Booth: (To Hodgins and Zack) You know what? If this is fatal, I will shoot both of you.

Hal: Dr. Hodgins may have inhaled the spores, yes.
Booth: Ok. It must suck to be Hodgins right now, but the rest of us, we didn't inhale. So it's ok that I go, right?

Booth: Anybody besides me worried that a guy dressed like Santa is in charge?

Angela: Ok. You people listen to me. There is a party going on upstairs, k? A Christmas party. We're going up there. We're gonna talk to some people, we're gonna sing some carols, we're gonna drink some egg nog. (To Booth) You are going to kiss me under the mistletoe. On the lips. (To Hodgins and Zack) I might kiss you guys under the mistletoe, too. (To Brennan) Maybe even you, in a festive, non-lesbian manner. But we are going to that party.

Goodman: I thought I might take a look at the contents of the suitcase with you.
Booth: Why?
Goodman: It beats cobbling together Christmas decorations out of pipettes and graduated cylinders.

Zack: I'm a rational empiricist all the way. Unless you talk to my mother, then I'm Lutheran.

Hodgins: Although I believe organized religion is just another political movement designed to control the masses, it doesn't mean God doesn't love me.

Dr. Brennan: You have a son?
Booth: Yeah.
Dr. Brennan: You've never mentioned that.
Booth: Well, nothing brings people together like a Christmas lung fungus.

Dr. Goodman: For a father like myself, like Agent Booth, a few glowing test tubes don't make up for missing Christmas morning with the children.
Angela: Excuse me?
Zack: Be kind, rewind.
Hodgins: Booth has a son?
Dr. Goodman: Ah, not common knowledge, I gather.

(Christmas Eve Day, just after midnight. Booth, still a little high from the anti-fungus medication, joins Brennan in the lab)
Booth: You don't seem too upset about missing Christmas.
Brennan: Indications are that Christ, if he existed, was born in the late spring and the celebration of his birth was shifted to coincide with the pagan rite of the Winter Solstice so that early Christians weren't persecuted.
Booth: Who are you, like the Christmas killer?
Brennan: It's the truth.
Booth: No, it sounds like the truth cause it's so rational, right? But, you know, the true truth is you just hate Christmas so you spout out all these facts and you ruin it for everyone else.
Brennan: I ruin the true truth with facts?
Booth: Yeah, and you're ruining it for the squint squad, too, by making them work on a case about a guy who's been sealed up in a fallout shelter for 50 years.

Zack: Christmas is going home to Michigan and heading out into the woods with your brothers to cut down a twelve foot Christmas tree and you all decorate it together - brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews. Forty people who all love you and are happy to see you. That my friend is the true meaning of Christmas.

Hodgins: I got into the decontamination shower with Zack. Haven't I been through enough hell?

Dr. Goodman: Were you conforming to autopsy protocol?
Zack: One of us was.
Hodgins: The other was drinking an egg nog.

Angela: I need you. Friends don't let friends photocopy their butts at Christmas parties.

Brennan: How would you like me to spend my Christmas?
Booth: Christmas is the perfect time to re-examine your standing with, you know (pointing upward)
Brennan: A helicopter pilot?
Booth: Oh, right, right. You can't measure the man upstairs in the beaker, so he can't possibly exist.
Brennan: The man upstairs?
Booth: Hmm. You know, you don't know if you're sick, but you're more than willing to take drugs just in case. Seems to me you could give the man upstairs the same benefit of the doubt that you do an invisible fungus.

Booth: (Hallucinating) You know what? I never realized how pretty all this shiny stuff is.
Hodgins: That is so not fair.