Boston Legal

Shirley: Clifford, we need to push forward with this. If the hysteria machine was stolen, you need to take the necessary and appropriate action. And as co-owner, you will file a police report, and you will file a claim with your insurance company. (to Natalie) There'll be an investigation. You'll have to open up your house. If you give a false statement to the police or, worse these days, the insurance company, you'll be charged with fraud and prosecuted to the full extent of the law. And from my experiences, the DA's office takes these crimes seriously and often pushes for jail time, where you'll be able to do lots of women's studies. Ivan: Shirley. Now, that's not nice. Shirley: Are we being nice now?

Shirley: Ivan, we're going to court. Ivan: Sounds like a date.

Shirley (short of breath): Denny. Denny: You're panting. Shirley: Yes. Denny: Because of me? Shirley: Because of you. Denny: Lock the door. Shirley: Because of you... Paul didn't keep his meeting with the building manager and Brad stiffed him. Now we don't have elevator service before 7:00am, and I had to walk up 14 flights of stairs. Didn't you? Denny: I climb the stairs every morning. The elevator's for democrats.

Denny (about Ivan): If he's gonna have an affair with someone, why not be part of the fun? Shirley: Maybe you should write fortune cookies. Denny: And maybe you... should fantasize about him with someone else.

Alan: Catherine... If you knew this injustice was being done to Adele, why didn't you simply call me before you attempted to kidnap her? Catherine: Well, dear, you... you'd helped me out on those two convenience store robberies, not to mention the murder. I didn't want to think I was becoming a bother...

Shirley: Besides humor you, what can I do? Ivan: Admit you're having an emotional affair with me. Consider making it physical, since, after all, we're already halfway there... And let's call it a day. Shirley: I have a better idea, and I'm sure it's something Katie and Matt came up with as well. Go home to your wife, Ivan. Ivan: Are you breaking up with me? Shirley: Go home to your wife.

Shirley: So how is the Mrs, Missy? Ivan: The honeymoon was exceptional. Shirley: Guadalupe? Ivan: An atrociously dull island. Nothing to do but have sex all day and night. By the way, Shirley, I'm having an affair. Shirley: Huh. Ivan, you do not disappoint. You've been married four weeks. Ivan: Seemed like five. Shirley: And who are you having the affair with? Ivan: You. Shirley: Well, so far it hasn't been very good for me.

Denny: Shirley. A supermarket doesn't close cause the cashier quit. Shirley: Yes, it does Denny. Otherwise people would just walk out with the food.