Boston Legal

Denny: Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.

Shirley: Your Honor, Mr Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this. Ivan: No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.

Judge Reese: In my chambers. (Alan gets up) Judge Reese: Just Ms Schmidt and Mr Tiggs. Alan: Couldn't I come and just watch? Judge Reese: (He glares at Alan and speaks menacingly) No.

Denny: One meeting. Bethany: In these offices. I'll call it even. Denny: Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes. Bethany: What! Denny: Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually... we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package. Bethany: You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met. Denny: You're right... Just the top then?

Denny: A meeting? Would I have to talk? Bethany: You're much more impressive when you don't.

Alan: Mr Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he? Shirley: I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.

(About Judge Hooper) Denise: You sure it was the husband? Lincoln: I am. He drives some sort of little white convertible, in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting, which he's not. Not at all. He's a nasty little man. He made her get that restraining order against me. He made her do it. Denise: Well, you are a Peeping Tom. Lincoln: She liked that. She liked that I looked. I was a benign peepy.

(About Bethany suing Denny) Denny: What do you mean she won't drop it? Claire: She's hurt. My advice is if you really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt. Denny: Do you do that? Claire: Never.

Claire: You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest? Bethany: Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson? (Denny makes a pose) Bethany: Maybe I did.

Claire: Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf. Bethany: What's that supposed to mean? Claire: It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact, you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone... (stares at Denny) Claire: Him.

(to Ivan) Shirley: What I can tell you is, there is no back door. That post-nup is as tight as your soon to be sixth ex-wife's tushy.

(about Ivan's wife, Missy) Ivan: God, I hate her. Shirley: Oh boy. Ivan: I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.

Jonathan: Let me tell you something right now. If you start to intimidate my witnesses... Jeffrey: Why yours? Do you have dibs? Jonathan: Is this the way you wanna play it? Fine. Jeffrey: Doesn't seem we can settle this with words. Maybe we should fight. (Judge Hooper and Jonathan stare at him) Jeffrey: Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?

(about Gracie Jane) Paul: My God. We need to gag this woman. Denny: I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.

Jeffrey: The angry, bald little husband killed his wife... just like in the movies.

Shirley: (threatening) Your resume intact? Alan: Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.

Alan: I'm a man of principle--or not--whatever the situation calls for.