Boston Legal

Shirley: She's fairly certain of two things. One, that you're having an affair, and two, that you're still married to her. Ivan: A slight technicality. Look, Missy and I are done, Shirl. I swear. However, it is possible that Missy and I were not on the same page when I broke the news to her. Shirley: And what did your page say? Ivan: Missy, our marriage is over. I see now that we've made a mistake. I think it's time to admit it and move on and seek our happiness elsewhere. Shirley: And what page is Missy on? Ivan: Don't wait up. I'm going out with the guys.

Alan: Jerry, you're in luck. Mr. Kupfer is my favorite opposing counsel. He's smart, eloquent, a pleasure to watch, and every time I go up against him, he obligingly loses.

Alan: I see your behavior modification is going well... Jerry: Oh, it is. I've been working very hard to deal with my Asperger's syndrome. I've been learning to connect to people, to make eye contact, to shake hands, to show an interest in them even if I have none. Alan: A skill I never mastered.

Jerry: Brad! How are the kids? Brad: I don't have any kids. Jerry: Great!

Alan: There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me Jerry, not you.

Denny: Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions; you always get to choose what you want for lunch. Alan: Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live. Denny: It's either that or die.

Denny: I hear you misplaced a client. Alan: Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses he'll show up somewhere.

Denny: I misplaced a client once. Alan: Did they ever find him? Denny: No I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year. Alan: That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life. Denny: Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.

Denny: Does that mean you're back on the market? Shirley: Denny as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.

Denny: We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us. Shirley: You are a dear sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. (whispers into his ear) Denny Crane.

Alan: There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age, you're still innocent. Jerry: Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.

Ivan: So basically if I screw around, she gets my life. Shirley: Not your whole life, just the parts you love.

Brad: (to Denise) So let me ask you this: in Italian does the word 'vagina' mean something else?

Ivan: I brought wine, cheese and condoms. I thought we'd picnic. Shirley: Missy came to my office today. Ivan: Aw. So just the wine and cheese.