Boston Legal

Alan: We're actually sitting in a court room, wasting tax dollars, because my client had gas. He was constipated, he went to remedy his problem, in a bathroom, imagine that, where low and behold, three undercover police officers were lurking, waiting, to interpret a tapping foot as a call for gay sex. Now, maybe Larry Craig deserved his fate, thrown in front of the very bus he helped to build, but Denny Crane doesn't deserve this, all he was trying to do was take a crap.

Denny: Can you imagine all the times I've beaten the rap, to be convicted of public gayness? I'll be forced to unregister as a Republican. Alan: Republicans would have no problem with you being gay Denny, so long as you continue to prosecute homosexuals. Denny: I hope you're right.

(In court) Alan: So you didn't go into the bathroom looking for sex? Denny: Oh God no! Oh, I've had sex in bathroom stalls before, sometimes for money. But always, always, with a woman. I'm a heterosexual. And I think being gay is a sin. It's against God, against the President. And it's bad for the troops. Alan: How could the police officer misinterpret it? Denny: 'Cause he's an idiot!

Officer Whistler: He did all the known signals for solicitation. In fact, he was quite methodical about it. Denny: He's full of crap. Alan: Denny... Denny: Well so was I, but I was constipated.

Alan: ...then I remember what Mark Twain said, You go to heaven for the climate but to hell for the company so (chuckles) no matter what, in the end... Denny: We'll be together. Alan: Indeed Denny: Soul mates in hell, I love it.