Boston Legal

Judge Harvey Cooper: We like to think that all are entitled to a fair trial in this country, that we have an advocacy system about truth. But the real truth, the ugly one, is that the indigent get anything but fairness. On this side, we have a district attorney with 50 homicide trials under his belt, and here, representing the accused, we have a boy who won his moot court competition in law school. This is how it is, people. The poor get the lawyers who can't get real clients of their own. We have a system where the state matches the best and the brightest against defense attorneys coming out of a pool of inexperience and incompetence. It is an insult to our notion of democracy. It makes a mockery of criminal justice. I will not indulge a mockery in my courtroom. (to Garrett) Turn around, counsel. Put one arm behind your back, as if it were tied. Now stand on one leg as if your client barely has a leg to stand on with you as his counsel. Now you hop on out of here. Tell Denny Crane if he doesn't show up to represent his client, he will be jailed. Hop, now!

Paul: You shot out your client's kneecap!

Alan: I squeezed a clown's nose tonight. Denny: Good for you!

Denny: Hope you die. Denny Crane.

Denny: Hey kid, front and center. I bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you, kid? Garrett: Oh, I would, sir. Denny: Because I like you, you don't have to lick them. Just dust them with your sleeve.

Denny: Indigent are poor. Hate the poor. Can't pay.

Denny: It's fun being me. Is it fun being you? Alan: Most of the time, yes actually. Denny: Well, what else is there? Alan: Indeed.

Alan: What would you do as mayor, Denny, really? Denny: Oh, I don't know. I'd, uh... attack Rhode Island. It's small.

Brad: You need to stand up and deliver this closing. Alan: Will the clown be there?

Denny: (to Judge Harvey Cooper) You're a douche bag. I don't do well with douche bags.

Melissa (to Alan): It just hit me. Um, the criterion on which I was hired, and now that I am hired, I just thought that I should be clear. I will not be objectified. I will not be ogled. If I am, I write you up. And no touching, no double entendres, no comments on what I'm wearing. If I get any of that, I write you up. I'm your assistant, not your subordinate. You cross that line, I... I write you up. Follow the rules, we should get along fine. That's all. Brad: I told you to interview.

Dwight: It's Bumpy, isn't it? I had such a crush on that cow. That doesn't make me gay!

Dwight Biddle: We became very close. One night I'd had a bit to drink, I suppose... Jeanie and I had been a little estranged... Shirley: You strayed with livestock? Dwight Biddle: It's not what you think. It was all very loving.