Boston Legal

Claire: (To Judge Hooper) I gotta ask you this question, Judge. Did you kill your wife?

(About Sally) Alan: I am sorry, Your Honor. This woman is clearly a Jew. Judge Reece: You object to her being Jewish? Alan: I'm sure somebody here must.

Alan: So, basically every time you piss, puke or crap, you're a step closer to immortality. Sally: Objection. (Alan farts) Alan: Getting closer as I speak. Sally: Objection.

(About Marcia Hooper) Lincoln: She was drawn to me! Jeffrey: Drawn to you? An effeminate loser who plays in his garden all day. You're a Peeping Tom, for God's sake! You should be a registered sex offender! You're a weird little pervert! Lincoln: You watch your mouth, you dirty mouth! You watch your mouth! Jeffrey: Or what? You'll kill me?

Jeffrey: You and I had several conversations, have we Lincoln? Lincoln: We have. I don't like you.

(About Gracie Jane) Shirley: Did you talk to her? Denny: Gave her my best shot. Shirley: You had sex with her. Denny: Cheap sex. The best kind. Shirley: What about Bethany? Wouldn't she object? Denny: Gentleman never tells. Shirley: A gentleman might want to look down. Denny: (shocked) No way. Shirley: Way. (Denny looks down and sees Bethany) Denny: I knew you were there. I was just trying to make you jealous.

Denny: (to Gracie Jane) C'mon. You and me, ten minutes of chubby sex.

Alan: And after you go through all the stages. You become an operating thetan, (mispronounce) thetan, thetan. Douglas: That's right. Alan: And OTs, as they're called, are said to be able to communicate with animals, move inanimate objects, leave their bodies at will. You hope to do that? Douglas: One day. Alan: Are thetans immortal? Douglas: It's been said. Alan: Well, in fact most Scientologists believe Brother Hubbard will return. Douglas: And Christians believe Jesus will come again. Are they all nuts? Alan: Most.

Alan: Scientology was invented by... Douglas: L Ron Hubbard. Alan: Who started out as a science-fiction writer. He said and I quote "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, he'd start his own religion." Douglas: You know, people like you take that quote way out of context. Alan: People like me? Does that mean non-believers, lawyers, foot fetishes?

Sally: Brad. Brad: Sally. It's really nice to see you again. Would you like to grab some dinner some time? Catch up? Sally: I was never behind. I'm not the same girl you went out with Brad. Brad: I'd love to get to know the new girl. Alan: (to Sally) I think he's making his move.

Alan: Since the day you left, I've longed to go head to head. Sally: You can't win this one Alan. Freedom of Religion, it's one of the biggies. Alan: I suppose we could wager? Loser has to slather the winner in maple syrup and then lick it off. Winner gets to slather the loser with maple syrup and then... lick it off. Sally: I'll see you in court.

Sally: Brad Brad: Sally? (pause) You look incredible. Sally: I know.

Alan: What'd you fire him for? Jerry: He turned out to be a Scientologist. Full blown. Alan: Jerry, we do have a little thing called 'Freedom of Religion'. Jerry: Oh, I know that, but why should I have to work with one. I don't like this Scientology business. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Denny: (to Jerry) May I ask you a question? This may be the Mad Cow speaking but, didn't we fire you?

Denny: We may be less relevent, but we still got it. Alan: Sure we do. Denny: What is it we got again? Alan: Young women.

Alan: I thought you wielded some influence over her. Denny: She's always had that problem. She surrenders, and then she's ready to march right back to war again the minute I withdraw my soldier.

Sally: I will beat you one day. Alan: I'd much rather be flogged.

Bethany: (To Denny) I'm not gonna date some guy who throws his penis around like it's going out of style, which it probably did about 50 years ago.

Alan: Your Honor, she's making fun of Christianity. It's unpatriotic. I fear it's hurting the troops.

(Joan Rivers bumps into Gracie Jane outside the court room) Gracie Jane: Hey, I'm standing here! Joan Rivers: Well, drop dead, Crime Slut!