Brass Eye Season 1 Episode 1

Bernard Lerring: "When you're fighting a weasel it's bigger than a man. And there is money in it, if you're good there's other perks as well. The women; they fancy you if they see you kicking the shit out of a weasel."
Chris Morris: "After thirteen years in which he pulped over four thousand weasels, Bernard Lerring suffered a compound nervous breakdown."
Bernard Lerring: "I lost it, and er, I just picked up a living doing otters, which are very easy, are very docile animals, and erm, even when they pump them full of rat hormones which they do - you could kill an otter in about a second... just kick it's face off."

Bill Laswell: Ah yes, well we kill four hundred cows a week, and to redress the balance to some extent, we'll be slaughtering one member of our staff every six weeks approximately.

Chris Morris: Paul Daniel's contribution moved all that saw it - to horrible tears.

Dr Jonathan Kwattes: The lion may have been chasing the wildebeest, in fact it was chasing it to catch up with it to give it a potato.

Ted Maul: These docs show that Hottrin had been driven nuts because the land on which he lives is _owned_ by the cow. In the will of Edith Bates, a local crone who loved cattle - then eccentric, now dead - the cow inherited the land, and a special bank account for stockpiling rent. Life has become a living "cowmare", thanks to the thoughtless benificence, of a mad old woman.

Patrick Da Fronk: I think the thing that, that people get fussed about is that a fox is, is a small brown furry animal very much like a dog, erm, I don't think they'd be nearly so worried if it was a little four-legged car, full of chips.

GUEST: Well I think every animal has as much right to decent treatment as we do.

Chris Morris: You're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak!

Britt Eckland: Last year they stopped penguins catapulting each other through the glass roof at Sidney Zoo. Last month they stopped a pig throwing itself on to a python, in a two way death pact, in Chester.

Informer: Micheal Heseltine finds it very useful, um, if he's angry, to have an ape to slap. Kenneth Clarke has a baby moose in his cupboard.