Brothers & Sisters

Robert: (in the closet) You know, we've been in here for over a minute and haven't done anything. I got more action from Dina Segerson in fifth grade. Kitty: I can't. It's not that I don't want to. I don't mean that I do want to. It's just that even if I did want to, I couldn't. Robert: With that kind of logic, are you sure you're not a Democrat?

Robert: (looking at the shoes in the closet) Wow, this is quite a collection. Kitty: Oh yeah, if only my shoes could talk. Robert: These are sufficiently slutty, what's their story? Kitty: Hamptons, 2002, broke a heel dancing on a table. Got sandwiched in between this uh, a club promoter and some tortured playwright. Robert: (glancing at a pair of red platform shoes) Do you want to explain those? Kitty: (laughing) Oh my God, yes. Halloween, 2 years ago, um, Tribeca loft party. Jonathan and I went as Sonny and Cher. Robert: Jonathan? Kitty: Uh, yeah, Jonathan, my ex-fiance. (pauses) Yeah, I'd rather talk about my shoes. Robert: Understood.

(Justin has gone to see Tyler) Tommy: You let him go? Kitty: No, no I pinned him down, I gave him a wedgie but I just couldn't keep him there. What was I supposed to-Of course I let him go.

(Kevin and Tommy have hidden the alcohol because Justin is out of rehab.) Nora: Where did they hide the booze? Tell me, really, I'm not joking. Saul: Nora, if I knew where it was I'd be drunk by now.

(Kitty and Robert enter a closet) Robert: If this is where you keep the wine, where do you keep your clothes? Kitty: Shut your mouth and come on. Shut the door. (Robert shuts the door and looks around) Robert: I am having like a fifth grade flashback of Deena Segerson and seven minutes in heaven. (He looks at Kitty who is pouring glasses of wine) Robert: Have you always been a closet drinker? Kitty: Are you done? Robert: No, I'll think of some more.

Kevin: OK. Whatever, where did you hide the wine? I need to get grandma a drink ASAP? Tommy: It's in the closet. Kitty: You put the wine in my closet. (Kevin walks over to the closet & opens the door) Kitty: Is your little boyfriend in there? (Laughs) Kevin (Yelling from closet): He's not my boyfriend.

(In Kitty's closet drinking wine.) Sarah: Oh, whatever, at least your asses weren't plastered all over a plasma. (Tommy and Kevin start laughing) Don't laugh, it's not funny. I can't even look at you people anymore. Tommy: Imagine how we feel. Kevin: Yeah, full out on the couches. Sarah: Oh, stop it. Kevin: Have you been doing yoga? Sarah: Okay, that's enough!

(Saul walks into the kitchen.) Saul: Why is everyone in the kitchen? Is everything okay? Ida: Well hardly, Justin is an addict, and Kevin is gay. And, and this one is shooting pornographic movies. Sarah: Pornographic what? Nora: The sex tape that you and Joe shot, it ended up on my video. Sarah: No. Saul, Kitty: Yes it did. Nora: Yeah. Sarah: No it didn't. Ida, Nora, Saul, Kitty, Kevin: Yes it did. Sarah: Joe? Kitty: Uh oh. Sarah: Joe? (Joe walks into the kitchen.) Sarah: Why didn't you tell me about the tape? Joe: I was going to but, uh, waited till after the party. I just - Sarah: We're supposed to be a team. Joe: Well, um... We are a team. Sarah (shrieking): It's not funny! Ida: What else don't I know about this family? Saul: Ma, let's go sit down - Nora: No, no, Saul, she wants to know, so I'm gonna tell her. Mother, William cheated on me. Yes, is that what you wanted to hear? William had an affair with another woman for almost half my marriage, and not only that, hold on, he was an embezzler. As it turns out, he was a very successful embezzler, but an embezzler nonetheless. So it turns out you were right. Are you happy now? Ida: Of course I'm not happy. I'm not surprised, but I'm not happy. Nora: Well you - Saul: Okay, okay, Mom. That's it, that's it. Let's go, it's enough. Ida: Where? Saul: I'm taking you to my house and tomorrow morning you're flying home. Ida: But what did I do? Saul: It's Nora's birthday, Mom. She's had a terrible year and you haven't been nice to her since you got here. I'm sorry I invited you. I really am. Ida: I have never understood this family. Saul: That's because you've never even tried. (Ida gasps, realizes she's not wanted and leaves the kitchen.)

(Sarah and Kevin in the kitchen.) Sarah: I just don't understand, I'm out of commission for eight hours and the party turns into a Medieval circus. Kevin: Yeah, well, you ordered this Medieval circus which happens to be the most expensive package. Sarah: No, I ordered the Mid-mid-level, the mid-level - Kevin: Ding. Sarah: Oh my God. (Nora and Ida walk into the kitchen.) Sarah: Oh Mom, I am so sorry about your party. Nora: Sweetie, no one really saw anything. Sarah: What? Ida: Whoa, speak for yourself. Kevin: Uh, ah, the theme, she said about the theme. Nora (finally getting what Kevin is trying to say): The theme is so festive. Sarah: Come on, Mom. There is armor on the wall, there are serves in the bathroom, (Kitty and McCallister walk into the kitchen) and where is all the wine? I mean isn't all they did in the Middle Ages? Drink wine? And what's with all the state troopers? McCallister: Oh, they are state troopers, and they're my fault. Sarah (extending her hand in greet): Senator. McCallister: How you doing? Kitty: And we had to promise no wine when we took Justin out of rehab. Ida: Out of where? Kitty: Oh... Nora: Mother, Justin is in a rehab program, he's a drug addict. (Ida gasps.) Kevin: Oh, Mom, a little more discretion, we are in the presense of a U.S. Senator. McCallister: There's nothing to be embarrassed of. Kevin: Oh, but homosexuality is? Kitty: Oh, Kevin, you know, please, enough. (turns to McCallister) And can you just please tell him that you have a gay brother too? Ida: Who's gay? Kitty (gasps): I - McCallister: I think you just outted two brothers at the price of one. Kevin: That would be me, Grandma, I'm gay. Ida: Oh, you're not gay. Justin maybe, but you - Kevin: Oh, I am, uh, gay. I swear, I am. (Ida looking horrified) Nora: Oh, Mother, stop acting so horrified, you are loving every second of this.

Kitty: As you can see, I've worn a lot of shoes in my life. It's time to focus on me for awhile and go barefoot. Robert McCallister: But, hypothetically speaking. Kitty: You mean, hypothetically, if I didn't work for you. Robert McCallister: Hypothetically, of course. Kitty: You'd be the first pair I'd try on. Robert McCallister: (slowly he smiles and they clink together wine glasses)

Kevin: You know, in our defense Mom, you were really quite convincing. Nora: Kevin, you don't have to apologize for listening to me. This isn't a wedding, it's not a bar-mitzvah. It's just aging, I'm sixty. (giggles) (An awkward silence at the dinner table.) Nora: More cake?

Kitty: Sarah, this cake is so delicious. Sarah (sarcastically): I know, and its store-bought! (normal) Mom, I really wanted to bake, but you know its been really busy at work and, Cooper has had this horrible flu, literally, projectile vomiting. Tom: Whoa, whoa. Kevin: Eating, eating. Sarah: Sorry guys.

(opening her birthday present) Nora: Oh, it's a picture frame. it's so shiny, and pretty. It's just what I wanted for my birthday. Tom: She hates it. Julia: Oh, we just thought with the baby coming... Nora: No, no, you can never have enough picture frames. I love it, thank you so much.

Saul: She's headed off to the desert with the rest of the scorpions.

Senator McCallister: Nora. I come bearing soup. Nora: Why Senator, that's so sweet of you, and un-senatorial. Senator McCallister: Well, ah, the house was smack between speaking engagements. Nora: Really, where? Senator McCallister: San Diego and San Francisco. So I stopped at Feinberg's and I got you two gallons, and bagel chips. Nora: Kitty's upstars. Senator McCallister: Oh, ok. Ah, tell her that last night was the perfect dose of family and that I really needed it. Nora: Well, thank you for the soup and for Pietro. Senator McCallister: And, one more thing if you don't mind…please tell Kitty to let me know when she's ready to go shoe shopping again. Nora: My, you are a friendly boss. Yes, I certainly will do that Senator. Now please, go fumigate yourself.

Kevin: That was some serious family drama. Tommy: I think you finally drove off McCallister and his band of merry men. Kevin: Good. I'm sure Kitty's apologizing for us all right now. Sarah: Oh whatever. At least your asses weren't plastered all over a plasma. Don't laugh, it's not funny. I can't even look at you people anymore. Tommy (laughing): Imagine how we feel.

Kitty: You know tonight was unusually bizarre, even for my family. Senator McCallister: Are you kidding me, it's been fantastic – it's like dinner theater or the circus. Kitty: Umm…well you certainly managed to charm the pants off the ringleader. I think my mother was actually battling her eyelashes at you. Senator MCallister: There was no batting. Kitty: Senator, there was, and you don't have to be modest with me. Senator McCallister: Please, we're in a closet, call me Robert.

Ida: Who's the movie star? Kitty: Oh, um…Senator..McCallister you came, great. Senator MCallister: I told you…so much for just fitting in. Kitty: Oh yeah. Senator McCallister: Is this a costume party? Kitty: Apparently it is but you know, our house doesn't usually look like this. Senator McCallister: Nora.(walking towards Nora with a gift in hand) Nora: Yes. Senator McCallister: Very happy birthday, I am so sorry to just be getting here, but you know the rule, be early or late, anything in the idle risks ruining the surprise.

Chad: I'll text you goodnight? Kevin: Nothing says goodnight like a text.

Saul: Excuse me, who are you texting so frantically Kevin: Nothing frantic about it, I have fast thumbs. Sarah: Great, I'll put them to use in the kitchen; I need you here by 9:00.